Hello, I’m January
Inspiration and thoughts on God and faith, written by a simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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To-Do: Be a Little Boy’s Mommy
Make the most of every living and breathing moment, because these are evil times. So understand and be confident in God’s will, and don’t live thoughtlessly. Ephesians 5:15-17
It has been one of those extra long days. Another day when the snow has completely wreaked havoc on our routines once again. I still have counters to wipe, floors to sweep, checks to write, and a heaping mound of homework. It’s 9pm, and I still haven’t worked out, and now my little one wants me to lay with him until he falls asleep?
“Hunter, I have read two stories. I’ve sang to you and I’ve rubbed your back. I’ve got to leave the room now. Mommy has stuff to do.”
And then…the look. The one moms everywhere know. The one that makes your heart melt, and makes you feel like the worst mom ever all at the same time.
“But, I’m scared.” Which in 5 year old speak, really means, I want you to lay here with me until I fall asleep. Which also means, that no matter how quietly, and stealth-like you try to leave his room, he wakes up. Still scared. Still wanting you to lay with him. Still with that look that lets you know He needs you, and makes you feel like the worst mom ever because all you can think of are all the things you have to do.
Your life is like the morning fog-it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. James 4:14
So, while the checks that need to be written can’t really wait another day, all these other things can.
While I’d like to get a little exercise in tonight, it may have to wait, too.
But my son, can’t wait.
Because, he will remember my rush to get bedtime finished to get all that other stuff done.
Because he will remember not being my priority on busy nights like these.
Or, he can remember that Mommy put all those things aside so she could rub the head and back of a tired little boy to sleep. He can remember that I put aside all of the demands of the outside world, to spend a little time in his.
We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. Each of us is but a breath. Psalm 39:6,11
Life is far too hurried. We are all overstretched, overbooked, overworked, and living our lives completely out of balance. Never fully making any one thing our priority. Merely getting by with our way too long to-do lists.
But, before I know it, this little boy will not want me to lay in his bed any longer.
He will be hurrying to school, brushing away the hand that reaches out to stroke his hair.
He will one day be too busy to put aside the demands of his world to spend a few moments in mine.
So, tonight, maybe I didn’t get to work out. Maybe I started my homework a little late. Maybe I didn’t get that sweeping done. But, I won’t remember any of that.
I’ll remember calming the fears of a scared little boy. I’ll remember singing “Jesus Loves Me” for the tenth time, while I rub that same little boys back. I’ll remember this moment. The one where that little boy lays in the arms of his Mommy. I’ll remember his sleeping breaths. I’ll remember there is nothing sweeter than these moments.
The moments that an overdue to-do list could never replace.
The tender moments of being this little boy’s Mommy.
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Just Say His Name
“For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13
There’s one invention that has confused me for years-the hospital gown. It doesn’t matter how many times I have had to attempt to put one of these on, I usually spend way too much time contemplating exactly how this ill-fitting, and immodest garment actually goes on.
As I was forced to once again spend time navigating the holes and ties of this piece of fabric last week, I asked myself the same questions as I have in the past: Does this get tied in the front or the back? How exactly do they expect me to tie this myself? Does it wrap to the left of the right? Oh goodness, is anything showing?
Too many questions to ask about a hospital gown. Too many thoughts running through my head to drown out. So, in defeat, I just give up trying to find the answer. Deciding to do it my way.
Now, what does my struggle with hospital games have to do with anything?
Well, usually waiting on the other side of the door, the door behind which a gown is placed on one’s body, lies some uncertainty, fear, or anxiety.
And in these times of defeat and uncertainty, we often give up trying to wait for the answer, and do it our way.
When you don’t know what to say, just say Jesus. There’s still power in the name, the name of Jesus. If the words won’t come, and you don’t know what to say. Just say Jesus.
And that’s what I did.
As I was laying in one of the loudest machines, as I was laying in a state of panic I had never felt before, with the unpleasant noises drowning out my soothing music, I did just that.
I laid there, I closed my eyes, and simply said: “Jesus, Jesus…help me get through this.”
While life is often like that awful gown, full of uncertainty and fear; that MRI machine is much like our relationship with God. Our ability to hear his voice in the midst of all the noise. Our resistance to call His name in our state of panic.
To just say Jesus.
Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you. Psalm 50:15
There have been many times in the past couple months when I have not known what to say. My thoughts have been so loud that I cannot hear what God is telling me to do.
When I haven’t been able to find the words to get through to my teenager.
When I’m waiting in another gown, behind another door of uncertainty.
When I don’t even know what to pray, what to ask for, what to say to God.
When I’m in a state of panic, and the noise of my thoughts has drowned Him out.
When life gets hard. When your not sure what else you can take. When you’ve laid awake too many nights to count, isn’t it comforting to know that it doesn’t matter how the words come out, all we have to do is say His name.
Just say Jesus.
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Me, Of Such Little Faith
Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have such little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?” Matthew 14:31
In a few weeks I will head back to Lynchburg, Virginia to attend a week long class. Alone, just like the last time. I have spent many of the past few weeks once again dreading the thought of leaving the cocoon of my home to sit in class with such a large group of strangers.
An introvert’s worst nightmare. And the source of dread and doubt that has plagued me, is one I even convinced my husband to let go off in terms of our finances!
I know. I know. I am not only an introvert, but also not so great at this practicing what you preach stuff.
What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions. James 2:14
So, I here I sit. A woman who says she has enormous faith in God. Who commands her numbers-crunching husband to have a little faith as well, yet, I don’t have enough faith to believe he will not leave me lonely while I am away from home.
See, I mentioned I am introvert, right? I am not one who seeks out people. I would rather sit in the back of the room with a cup of coffee and a book, people watching, without ever having to engage with anyone. It seems a little irrational, but in reality, I simply fear rejection. I fear not making a connection with people, saying something completely idiotic, or finding out that someone really just doesn’t want to talk to me, or even like me.
Why? Because the devil tells me I have nothing to offer. Because the devil tells me I have nothing important to say, nothing of significance to contribute. Because the devil wants me to believe that no one wants to talk to me. That I am not good enough, and that no one likes me.
And even though I know that I will be surrounded by brothers and sisters in Christ; people all working towards the same goal, the devil wants me to believe that I will be all alone.
Even when I know better….even when I know he says he will NEVER leave me lonely.
Just as my doubt begins to take over, and I cannot get over my fear and insecurities about venturing on this journey again:
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. Philippians 4:6-7
That’s right. Even in our doubt, he can still answer prayers. Even seemingly silly and irrational ones like mine.
Because just as I was praying about my loneliness and dread, someone else was praying about their own journey to Lynchburg that same week! And, what do you know? It just so happened to be the same week I would be traveling too.
I doubted God’s plan last semester, and he placed people in my path to be with me along the journey. I doubted him again, and yet he has provided my need this time as well, putting that same person in just the right place at just the right time.
Oh, me, of such little faith. Worrying about tomorrow. Afraid of the unknown. Not giving my doubts and worries to God and trusting His plan.
Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. Psalm 55:22
He hasn’t failed me. He has never let me fall. Whether in my finances, my relationships, or a week long trip away from home.
So, it’s time to get rid of all my doubts, all my fears. To lay all my worries, burdens, and cares at His feet, and then to walk away knowing that no matter the task, no matter the worry-God has it all handled!
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Because I Asked a Little Boy to Join Me…
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. Ecclesiastes 4:9
When I was growing up, we were not allowed in the kitchen when my mom was cooking. When my brother and I smelled dinner in the making, and heard pots and pans clanking downstairs, we knew to stay far away from the kitchen. It was, as I learned later, my mom’s quiet time. Her time to decompress and release stress from a long day. Cooking was within her control.
Having no training in culinary prowess needed to create wholesome meals for a family, it is a mystery how I even knew how to cook. Yes, I am the one who swears by a “dash of this, and a pinch of that,” and unless I’m baking, I really don’t measure. I have had some meal time mishaps, and I have burnt toast, because, seriously, people….toast is tricky!
And, now, I also get it. I get my mom’s need for alone time. My time to decompress and release stress from a long day. With cooking, everything is within my control.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” Genesis 2:18
I certainly did not want a companion in my kitchen. I didn’t want someone invading my cooking space, and my quiet time. So, after an afternoon of listening to Hunter scream for about 45 minutes with no apparent cause, I am not exactly sure what prompted me to walk into his room and ask this question: “Hunter, do you want to help Mommy cook?”
His response: Immediate relief. I could physically see all the pent up tension, all his overloaded senses quickly release before my eyes.
And, all because I invited a little boy to join me in the kitchen.
My prayers to help my son with his tantrums, to help him decompress his overloaded senses, and to overcome his anxiety after a long day were not answered with some breakthrough autism therapy. They were not a result of some overnight miracle. They were answered in our kitchen. The kitchen I claimed as mine. The kitchen I used as my quiet time. My time to decompress and release stress from a long day,
I wouldn’t trade the messy and not so quiet moments in this kitchen for the world! Because what was once simply a shot in the dark to calm an overstimulated preschooler down, has now become an afternoon mommy/son ritual. It may have also in the process become a new obsession for Hunter, and another routine we must adhere to. But, instead of missing a few moments of time with my son, I now get to watch the intense look on his face as he chops collard greens, flips pancakes, or wraps tortillas. Instead of wrestling each afternoon with the monster that sometimes gets off the school bus, I now get to teach him the finesse of “a dash of this and a pinch of that.” I now have precious moments to cherish each day that I would not have if I still insisted on cooking in my kitchen-alone!
And all because I asked a little boy to join me in the kitchen.
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How Are You Spending Your Time?
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. Matthew 6:33
It’s been another busy day. In the last month or so, I have made trips to work, to home, and back again for various appointments and engagements in order to ensure our family is healthy-mentally, physically, and emotionally. Today, has been no different, and as I sat waiting in another doctor’s office, I couldn’t help but think about what fills up my time as I wait in each of these waiting rooms.
See, I actually don’t mind the waiting rooms of doctor’s offices. I spend so much time there for myself, or my kids, that I now know to pack a good book to take with me, a homework assignment that needs to be completed, and of course, there is always my Facebook newsfeed to scroll through.
All this time simply waiting…and I still tell myself that I don’t have enough time in the day to read a devotional. I struggle with finding alone time with God, but still manage to find the time to get in the next chapter of that great new book. To open Facebook and see who has updated their status in the last ten minutes. To lazily flip through a new magazine.
And, I tell myself I don’t have a moment to spare for God. Why is this? How can I, a woman who professes to be consumed by faith and His presence, not take a few minutes to actually BE in his presence daily?
I mean…I am intentional about checking Facebook every hour to “check in” with all my “friends.” I am intentional about brewing my coffee and spending time with my morning paper, or the Today Show. I am intentional about keeping my medical appointments. I am intentional about bringing my schoolwork along for the wait in the school pick-up line.
But, I am not intentional about checking in with my friend upstairs. I am not intentional about brewing my coffee and reading my morning devotional. I am not intentional about bringing God along to wait with me in the long after school pick-up line. I am not intentional about setting aside time for my “spiritual” appointments.
In everything you do, put God first, and He will direct you and crown your efforts with success. Proverbs 3:6
Life these days is defined by “busy-ness.” Success is measured by how much one person has on their plate, and how well they can manage to keep it all together, and unfortunately, all this “busy-ness” often means the world has no time for God.
So, what are you making time for? Are you checking in to Facebook hourly, or are you checking in with God? Are you keeping all your medical appointments, but not taking time for your spiritual health? Are you letting the world define your success and desire to monopolize our time, instead of making time for Him?
I know I am guilty of often making God my last priority, but I no longer want to be defined by the world’s version of success. I don’t want to be caught up in the “busy-ness” that makes up our lives that I forfeit the crown of success God has waiting for me.
I don’t ever want to be too busy for God.
Because if I have got enough time for Facebook, I have got enough time for Him.
If I have some extra time in the waiting room, then I have enough time for Him.
So, while you are waiting today, how are you spending your time?
I hope with Him, because He certainly always makes time for you!
About Me
I am January! Wife, mother, meemaw, pastor, and mental health provider who makes it through the day with my coffee, my journal, and my God; and I am also on some days a hot mess. A simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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