Hello, I’m January
Inspiration and thoughts on God and faith, written by a simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
-
Speak Life
I have a confession to make. It is probably a confession that could easily apply to many a man or woman, Christian or not.
I am a gossip. I am a Negative Nancy. There is a lot of unwholesome talk that comes out of my mouth. And I don’t think that it is any coincidence that at the very time I begin to study a book on the power of words with the women of my church, that I start to feel convicted about the words that come out of my mouth.
Are they used to build up? Not always. Are they wholesome? Nuh-uh. Are they positive? Nope.
I have been asking God this week how I could be intentional about the Lenten season this year, and yesterday he placed the words of Paul in Ephesians 4:29 on my heart. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
My gossip and negative words don’t do much benefit to anyone.
Keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies! Psalm 34:13
Gossip. When we think of this word we often think of the he say/she say stuff that rumors are made of. But, gossip can often be quite subtle. According to Webster’s gossip is defined as “the act of sharing information about the behavior or personal lives of other people.” And while the definition may imply a deceitful nature, gossip can actually be quite innocent.
It starts with talking about a co-workers “behavior” at the copier. It’s just a simple discussion about things you have both observed. A discussion that then turns into judgment, condemnation, and resentment, and before you know it, you are in the midst of full-blown gossip.
It starts with a text to someone asking simply, “What’s wrong with him or her?” And quickly your simple act of concern moves to speculation and condemnation about one’s personal life or behavior.
You think you are working towards a solution to help a friend, co-worker, or family member, but these types of conversations quickly turn into talk that is unwholesome. Words are shared about your mutual friend that don’t build up. More than likely, your mutual concern to work towards helping, never actually comes to fruition.
Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut. Proverbs 10:19
Ouch. That was harsh….but then again, so are negative words.
I will admit, this area-it’s a hard one for me. I am not a glass half full girl! I play devil’s advocate-A LOT, and I tend to be a wee bit sarcastic (ok, more than a wee bit). I prepare for when the glass is empty, and in doing so find that the words that fly off my tongue are often negative.
Look up the word negative and its descriptions, and words like “unfavorable,” “gloomy,” “weak,” “colorless,” “unwilling,” and “repugnant” are listed. Do you want to be around these kinds of people? Probably not. And I don’t want to be one of these people either.
I get it. It’s hard. We are surrounded by so much in society that is anything but positive. And, I know-life is tough. Believe me, I know. If you have been reading for a while, then you know that I have experienced “tough.”
And, with social media constantly updating us on the personal lives of those who live and breathe among us, it is no wonder we have the propensity to gossip, to slander, and to pass judgment so quickly.
But, I don’t want to be the one who slanders, who gossips, and I certainly don’t want anyone to think being around me is “repugnant.”
Instead, I want to do what Paul instructs in Philippians 4:8. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about the things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
I want my words to be wholesome, helpful, beneficial, and used to build others up. Not used to condemn and tear others apart.
I want to stop talking to others about helping a friend in need, and actually do it.
I want to be bold enough to ask someone, “What’s wrong?” instead of fishing for the information from someone else.
I want the words that fall from my lips in times of struggle to be pleasant and not rancid.
I want the words I speak to be true, lovely, admirable, and pure. I want them to reflect the heart of Christ.
I want them to speak love.
I want them to speak truth.
I want them to speak blessing.
I want them to speak life.
-
Be Still and Listen Already!
When the landscape is blanketed in snow, it is hard not to simply be still. During these storms, traffic is a little less congested, and people are a little less anxious to rush through their day. In these moments when all the world around you is still and frozen, you also start to notice things, and I have noticed something about myself…I’m really not a very good listener.
It’s not like my teen has not mentioned on several occasions that I didn’t hear him as I answered a text or scrolled through my Facebook news feed. Or that my husband has not said on occasion, “January, I just told you that.”
Truly, I thought I was a good listener. People often come to me for advice, to vent, for good conversation. But, really…I’m not a very good listener.
Why? Because most of my conversations occur in the midst of other distractions. The radio dial while my teen is talking. The frying pan while my mom chats away on the phone. The paper yet to be done on my laptop while my husband tells me about plans for the next day.
And, unfortunately, most of my conversations with God are the exact same-full of distractions.
During my devotion time in the morning, it is the dog in my lap, the trash truck outside, or the dishes in the sink.
During my prayer time, it’s the grocery list, or the to-do list that is running through my head.
During Bible Study, it’s the list of homework assignments that must be completed by the end of the week, or the train that seems to pass by every Wednesday.
There’s a quote I love from the movie Eat, Pray, Love that describes my so-called quiet time perfectly-“I can’t focus. All I think about is how to decorate!”
With all the chaos, information, and stuff that is thrown at us at any given minute during the day, it’s no wonder we have problems with being fully present, with being able to focus, with just being still and listening already!
“And so, my children, listen to me, for all who follow my ways are joyful.” Proverbs 8:32
How many times have I missed connecting to my son over his interest in a new worship band, because I was distracted by my Facebook notifications?
How many times have I missed connecting with my husband because I was too distracted by constructing the best discussion board response for a class?
How many times have I missed the instruction provided in a Bible Study lesson because I was mentally checking of my to-do list or redecorating my kitchen?
How many times have I missed something great, missed an awesome opportunity, missed the point, simply because I was too distracted to just listen already? Because I was too distracted by my thoughts and the world around me to listen for that still, small voice.
Listen, you heavens, and I will speak; hear, you earth, the words of my mouth. Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants. Deuteronomy 32:1-2
Or like the gentle, white snow that blankets the cold and barren winter ground.
I want to relish in the stillness that overwhelms the Earth on a snowy day. I want to be able to shut off my earthly thoughts, forget all the distractions around me, and simply be still.
Still enough to put down my phone and talk to my son about his taste in music.
Still enough to put down the schoolwork and hear about my husband’s day.
Still enough to calm my wandering mind long enough to gain instruction from studying His Word.
See, I want to be like Samuel. I want to be able to still my mind, get rid of the distractions, and say to God, “Your servant is listening.” Still enough to hear the voice that will guide me through the next chaotic moment. The voice that will tell me where to go, what to say, how to love, when to move, and when to let go.
I want to be still and listen already!
-
No Turning Back
I have decided to follow Jesus. I have decided to follow Jesus. I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back, no turning back.
Such a beautiful hymn sung in many church services as an invitation to come to the altar and accept Christ as one’s personal Savior. An invitation to come, be cleansed of all sins, and not look back on one’s former life. An invitation that is often accepted without any idea how to actually move forward and put the past behind. No idea how to not still feel utterly lost, and learn how to cling to His promises and remove the stigma of a painful past.
How do I know? Because I have been there, and throughout the last several weeks as I embarked on a journey with brothers and sisters in Christ all over the world through an on-line Bible study, I learned that even though I had been made new, I still had not fully let go of all of my past hurts. I did not fully understand the impact these events had on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
See, I did not grow up in church. Jesus was known in our home simply because we saw his face on the top of the wooden case that sat on our coffee table. A wooden case that held The Holy Bible. A Bible that held locks of hair from my brother’s and my fist haircuts. A Bible that was never actually read.
We heard about God. We knew his judgment would come when we broke a commandment, and the Serenity Prayer was hung in our kitchen reminding us to call on God to help us accept the things we could not change. What I knew of God consisted of what I saw on our kitchen walls and coffee tables, and that you didn’t need to go to church to talk to Him, to seek Him, to pray.
I also wanted to know nothing of this God that allowed me to endure some of the pains of childhood, adolesence, and most of my late teens. I didn’t want to accept that God would allow some of the things from my past to happen. Personally, I wanted nothing to do with Him, or His serenity.
So, when I did finally seek Him, when I did finally lay my cross at Jesus’ feet, I also knew nothing of what it meant to turn away from my past. I spent many years as a “saved” woman trapped by the decisions, hurts, and pain from my past. Dappling in a lifestyle that made up my old life, and still not fulfilling the call to love others, speak kindly to them, and accept others in Christ’s image.
I had been saved, but I was still very lost. I had been cleansed of my sins, yet, I was still holding on to them.
No turning back. No turning back.
This means that anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 2 Corinthians 5:17
However, Satan wants us to remain lost in our past. And even though I have come a long way in my walk with God, I am still a victim of the devil’s taunting. So, I don’t believe that it is by accident, that this week as I begin steps to be licensed as a pastor in my district, that Satan wants me to feel thoughts of discouragement, condemnation, and shame about my past. He wants to consistently remind me that my past makes me unworthy to be a pastor, to be a child of God, to be loved by Him.
No turning back. No turning back.
I left my past by the cross when I accepted Jesus. The same Savior who gently urged me to give all my burdens, my sins, and my failures to Him. Yes, I had an unplanned pregnancy at 18. Yes, I lived in sin, married, and divorced all by the age of 22. And for many years I wreaked havoc on my body with an eating disorder, I drank, partied, condemned others, and lived only for myself. The devil may want to use these sins and mistakes to keep me focused on myself, my pain, my sorrows, and not on the cross. He may want me to believe that I am unworthy of ever being a shepherd of God’s people.
But, I know differently.
“Of all things lost and gained, the courage to repent might just be the most significant for me.” Lysa TerKeurst
Jesus has overcome my sins. Through His blood, I have overcome my past.
My past is just that-my past. Full of failures, full of disappointments. Full of sorrows. Full of sin. But, that doesn’t mean God cannot use my crumbled and broken past to glorify Him. That he can’t use my past life choices to help someone else see hope. That he can’t use my past sorrows to help someone else see happiness and joy. That he can’t use my past sins to help someone else pick up their cross, and lay it at Jesus’ feet.
See, there is another song we also sing. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.
I, January, once was lost, but now I am found. Was blind and now I see.
I see a future, not defined by poor food and health choices. Not defined by my choice to hate and starve my body. Not defined by my past decisions. Not defined by Satan’s lies, but by God’s promises. A God who promises hope, a future, and a life eternal.
No turning back. No turning back.
-
I’ll Take a Portion of Him, Please…
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore, I will hope in Him.” Lamentations 3:22-24
I am pretty good at hiding. I am not talking the hide and seek game we played as children, or that we play with our own children. I am talking about hiding that involves stuffing my emotions and feelings. All the junk I don’t want people to see. I’ve gotten pretty good at playing the “paint a smile on my face” type of hiding game.
I’m also pretty good at hiding my emotions behind a new pair of shoes, a new scarf, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream, or a milk chocolate candy bar. And, while I have stuck to my rule of not buying new clothes, I have not been so diligent with food. Instead of using my emotions to splurge at Target, I have used them to splurge on my calorie allowance.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul…but I seek out portions of M & M’s found in the kids’ Valentine’s bags over the portion of all that is good and found in Him.
And then I paint on a smile…
In an effort to show the world that I didn’t just spend an afternoon wrestling with a 5 year old over the number of chocolate chips in his bowl. To hide the fact that I didn’t know whether to throw the chocolate chips across the room, or shove the whole container in my mouth.
To hide the massive headache that only gets worse when the kids are fighting and screaming, and I can’t decide whether to scream back or drink a 2 liter of Coke.
To hide the fatigue that has nagged my body for days, and that I am debating over exercising for energy or crawling on the couch with that pint of Phish Food.
To hide my emotions, my pain, my struggles behind food.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end. Yet, I hide behind a painted on face and a pint of ice cream, instead of hiding behind the one who has mercy on me each time I stumble.
Last week I talked about moving around the mountains in our lives, but find myself here, once again heading south to the fridge, instead of north to the Lord. The one whose mercies never cease.
I don’t want to keep hiding behind a painted on smile, or chocolate chips, M & M’s, and Coke. I want to come out from behind the painted on mask, step away from the pantry, and seek His love and mercy. I want to rest in the promise that when I stumble, when I want to scream and run to the fridge, that his mercies are also new each day.
This means that today I can rest knowing I get another chance to come out of hiding. I get another chance to realize from where my portion comes.
My portion of strength comes from God, not Mars chocolate.
My portion of rest comes from God, not Ben or Jerry.
My portion of patience comes from God, not a 2 liter’s worth of caffeine.
The portion I need to find new mercies, love, and power to get through any rough day, massive headache, or screaming child is not found in the calories I consume each day. It is found in Him. So, give me a hefty portion of God, please.
-
You Are Right. You Are Different: An Open Letter to My Teen
I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation-the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ-for this will bring much glory and praise to God. Philippians 1:9,11
I know, I know. It’s Mom. Again. Doesn’t she know that parents just don’t get it?
Parents have no idea what teens go through, right? Parents have no idea what you feel. They can’t possibly understand the pressures you have. Parents have no idea what it is like to be hurt, lonely, abandoned, confused.
Parents have no clue what it is like to be a teen!
Let me assure you, that while there are some things about your teen years I don’t understand, there is more that I actually do.
I was 16 once, too. Many, many years ago, but I still recall there was a time when I also thought my parents were clueless, and knew nothing. I do know what it is like to be a teen, and I remember just how hard it was.
I too know what it is like to try so hard to fit in. Although, I never had to endure 5 years of braces (only because Mimi and Pa couldn’t afford them), I do know what it is like to look “different” from everyone else. You can look at your little sister and see why. Know why I tell her she has beautiful hair. Just know you were not born to “fit in.” Let’s just hope it doesn’t take you 19 years to figure this out, too.
I’ll be honest. Sometimes I don’t know what you are going through. My parents were never divorced. I don’t know what it is like to have two homes, two Christmases, two sets of parents, siblings, and grandparents. Two sets of families. However, it doesn’t mean my parents always got everything right. It doesn’t mean I didn’t hear them argue late at night. It doesn’t mean they didn’t have their own problems, or that I didn’t feel any less isolated or alone. When you are 16, you think your parents are complete morons. Trust me-once you become a parent, there will be days you feel like a complete moron.
I’m sorry if my lunch box note puts added pressure on you, since you think I don’t get that either. Maybe you are right. School work just came easier to me. Truthfully, I didn’t need my parents’ pressure. I had enough of my own-the kind I put on myself. See, I mastered schoolwork in much the same way you master wrestling moves on the Xbox! I studied into the wee hours of the night, and at age 35…I still do! And I’m 35. Still trying to finish school. I just don’t want this for you. I applied to college much like you will in a few short months, and I got accepted into a few, but I couldn’t go. I had to make tough choices. Again, I don’t want this for you. So, yes. I get the pressure, but I want you to explore things, see places, do things that your parents didn’t get to do. It’s called wanting the best for our children. You’ll get it when you become a parent, too.
I assure you, son, I do know what it is like to be hurt, betrayed, lonely, abandoned, and confused. At 16, I went through things I never want to hear that you have gone through. Betrayed by those I thought could keep secrets. Hurt by many more. And, let’s not start with confusion. I haven’t met a teen yet who isn’t confused. And I hate to break it to you, but life isn’t less confusing 20 years later!
So, I’ve been 16. I’ve been pressured, broken, hurt, lonely, and confused.
But, you are right. You are different.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans for good, and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
You know God. This is something my 16 year old self knew nothing of.
Do you know what that means?
That friends will betray you. Life will always be confusing. Parents may never make sense. You may never fit in.
But you…you have God.
He will never betray you, or leave you lonely. He will make a way when life gets so confusing there could not possibly be a way out. He doesn’t want you to fit in with the rest of the world. He will give you courage to make tough decisions. Strength to get through any battle. Power to conquer any obstacle-grades, braces, girls, college, whatever.
You have God.
So, yes, You are right. You are different.
You are not the 16 year old version of me. Alone in her room. Terrified because her best-laid plans were crushed by circumstances, betrayal, and tough choices. Searching for hope in everything but the only one who could make her feel less lonely, less confused, less different.
You are right. You are different. You never have to feel like me at 16.
Because, you, my son, have God. And that makes all the difference.
Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fail in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:30-31
About Me
I am January! Wife, mother, meemaw, pastor, and mental health provider who makes it through the day with my coffee, my journal, and my God; and I am also on some days a hot mess. A simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
Follow Me On
Subscribe To My Newsletter
Subscribe for new posts, inspiration and exclusive content straight to your in-box.
Grace 'n Grounds 