Hello, I’m January
Inspiration and thoughts on God and faith, written by a simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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I Have Run the Race
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. 2 Timothy 4:7
At the beginning of the year I embarked on a mission to not come up with any resolutions I would not keep, but to instead let one word shape the next year of my life. My word-fearless. I also mentioned at the start if this journey some of the things I feared-things like snakes, sharks, and being vulnerable. But the fear that is my greatest personal obstacle, and the one that keeps me from ultimately allowing God to use all of me is the fear of failure.
The same fear of failure that had me convinced I would not run that 5k I had added to my bucket list for 2014.
The same fear of failure that had me making excuses to keep from running: I don’t have time to train. I have too many problems with my back. I’m just not a distance runner.
However, God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7
As the year has so quickly moved along, I have seen just how many times fear has threatened to keep me from doing God’s work, from persevering, and pressing forward.
The fear of rejection that could have kept me from traveling outside my comfort zone. The fear of judgement that could have kept me from connecting to others. The fear of facing a less than perfect past.
It was through time spent away in my slice of heaven known as the beach, that brought some clarity to my fear of almost everything! Clarity that revealed I could either let the devil tell me I was too chicken to accomplish anything, or let God provide me with the strength to conquer all my fears…even the one that involved putting on sneakers and running with countless other folks, without any training, and in public! GASP!
So finish what you began to do. Then your willingness will be matched by what you accomplish. 2 Corinthians 8:11
And, this is where I found my endurance. In the call to finish what I had started.
To stop saying I will start running again when this happens or that happens.
To stop making excuses.
To stop the crippling fear that I will fail before I even start.
To start having faith that God will help me finish this race in the same way he has helped me finish all the races in my life. That he would give me the dedication, perseverance, and physical strength to carry on.
And that I wouldn’t just finish, but would once again accomplish more than I ever could have imagined on my own.
You know that in a race all the runners run but only one wins the prize, don’t you? You must run in such a way that you may be victorious. 1 Corinthians 9:24
It is a victory that is not found in winning, or in getting the best time, but in completing the race. Not giving up. Not quitting. Not letting fear take over.
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Why I Want My Kids to Cherish Their Fights
How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony! Psalm 133:1
“Ow! Hunter hit me!” “Because, Hayley hit me first!”
“Hunter, get out! I don’t want to play with you!”
“Hayley, I don’t like you anymore!”
This is just a sample of of the fighting and bickering that takes place in our home, and probably the home of many parents around the world who have children of multiple ages, personalities, and moods. Call it the product of shared living space, 18 months of separation between the two, or good old-fashioned sibling rivalry. These fights can often be a constant in our home, and I often find myself attempting to break the pattern of bickering with what I consider to be a firm dose of reality!
“You two better stop fighting. You better love each other, now. One day Hunter won’t be a phone call away! One day you won’t have Hayley to talk to each day!”
And, then of course come those blank stares. The ones that say they are afraid for a few seconds. The ones that move from fear to “Yeah, right. She doesn’t know what she is talking about” stares. And the ones that then quickly turn to the stares of scorn as they look at each other and continue their argument.
And, as I walk away wishing I could pick up the phone and bicker with my brother once again.
Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters. Hebrews 13:1
I know my brother and I had our share of fights. Goodness, I have tons of stories that contain the many tricks I played on him, all the times I told him I didn’t like him anymore, and the times I made sure I found ways to keep him out of my room.
But, there were also many more times when we stood up for each other. When he didn’t tattle on me when I gave him a bloody chin. When we told each other how much we really did like each other, or the many times we snuck into each others rooms at night to play with toys and talk.
And, despite my “mom-advice” to my own children. I also remember and cherish the fights. The times we dished all our secrets over Thanksgiving dinner. The times he did manage to get into my room to read my diary. The times when I had the opportunity to have a good fight with my little brother.
While my brother is still around in the physical sense, he is not accessible during the cherished moments of life since he is behind prison walls. He has missed the births of two nephews. He has missed too many Christmases to count. He isn’t available for me to simply pick up the phone and talk about the things that bother us that only the two of us could understand. To talk to about our favorite shows, our favorite music, and what we really think of our gray hair. And, yes, even to fight and lock each other out of our rooms.
So, while I want my children to understand that they are called to love each other with kindness, gentleness, forgiveness, and joy; I also want them to be able to look back and cherish every moment. Even the not so great ones. Even the ones when they don’t like each other very much. Even though they may be far away from each other. Even though they may not be able to talk.
I want them to cherish the moments that make them each brother and sister-bickering and all!
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He Goes Before Me
For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you” Hebrews 13:5
Remember that past I mentioned I had to face on my journey to become a licensed pastor in my district? That past the devil used for weeks to taunt me? Well, today was the actual day I had to travel to meet with our credentialing board to give my testimony. Even though I had come to terms with my past mistakes, given them to God, and embraced them as part of my journey, it was without surprise that I still spent most of the day at war with a devil who wanted me to believe that my history could never be a testimony of God’s grace.
He used one little annoyance after another in an attempt to convince me that I had made a mistake, that I wasn’t “called,” that I wasn’t worthy. First, I woke up to a cloudy day, soaked with rain. For those of you who know me, rain is not my favorite thing. It makes me want to find a deep dark cave to crawl into, or back in bed, at least. My meeting with the credentialing board was not scheduled until 8pm, which meant an hour and a half drive in the rainy, foggy night. I did drive in the rain and fog, only to find that I had driven to the wrong place. When I did get to the right place after several wrong turns, I sat waiting with a sinking feeling of dread that the pothole I hit while I got lost, would result in a flat tire as I went to make my way back home.
I knew that God had already come before me, yet, I could not keep the devil from crippling me with fear and doubt.
His taunting continued as I learned my transcript had not been received as I had previously thought, as I waited for over an hour to actually give my testimony, and as I clawed around in my purse for a pen to write these very words in this post (Thank God for that Notes app!)
The devil certainly did not want me to give my testimony. He wanted nothing more than for me to believe that God’s grace is not evident in my life. He didn’t want me to be able to write about how I may have defeated him today, any more than he wanted me to be able to tell a room of men and women how God had defeated Him in the past. He didn’t want me to feel like an overcomer. Instead, he wanted me to feel like a complete failure. Like I wasn’t good enough. Like I wasn’t worthy of God’s mercy, or to call myself “pastor.”
So we can say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?” Hebrews 13:6
And I knew God had gone before me. What could the devil do to harm me?
I sat in the waiting room, and as I opened Facebook, the following post from Joyce Meyer was waiting on the page just for me: Your history doesn’t have to be your destiny.
No, it is my testimony.
A testimony that shows the power of salvation. A testimony that shows the depth of His love. A testimony that proves I do not have to live with the doubts I allowed God to overcome. A testimony that shows how God can overcome our past sins and mistakes, make us new, cleanse us, and wash us with his grace.
A testimony that the devil was not going to convince me not to share.
And, as I walked into the room-a room filled with people who had gone through the same process, who wrestled with their own doubts, and fears, and who had all been forgiven for mistakes they themselves had made, I knew that God had once again come before me. It was finished. The decision had already been made. The battle had already been fought on my behalf, and He had already won.
He had once again gone before me, and I had nothing to fear.
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A Boy, A Puppy, and His Image
So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them. Genesis 1:27
“Can the image of God be found in an autistic child?” This is the question that was asked during a ministry class I took over the summer as I discussed some of the struggles we had as a family with our son, Hunter’s, diagnosis, and the many times we have stressed over locating his precious blue puppy. At first, my initial response was, “Of course!” But, I never really thought much more about the question, or what the question really meant in the context of autism or any disability.
First, I’ll admit it. Autism has broken me. It has pulled me and pushed me in ways I never could have imagined. It has tired me. It has beaten me, both literally and emotionally. And it has left me feeling alone in many ways, just yearning for someone out there to just “get it,” or to understand so I don’t have to feel so alone. So my child does not have to feel so alone.
But, as I think back on all the fear, the tears, the failures, and the triumphs-yes, I can’t help but see the likeness of God in the face of autism.
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15
As those made in his image there are certain attitudes we possess as His followers. While the Bible and my walk with Him have taught me about many of these attitudes, seeing the world through an autistic little boy has shown me so much more.
You must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy and kindness. Colossians 3:12
Kindness and mercy-something I did not extend to parents in line at the store with “those” kids. You know, the kids who acted out, who screamed, who hit, who ran in circles. The kids who made me think, “Those parents need to learn how to discipline those kids.” It is funny how actually having one of “those” kids can teach you how to show mercy to other parents who are struggling with a tantrum over banana yogurt. How what used to be a look of condemnation is now replaced with a smile, and a look of compassion that tells that other weary and judged parent, “It’s OK. I get it. I have been there, too.”
Clothe yourselves with patience, make allowance for each others faults. Colossians 3:12-13
Autism has not only taught me how to be patient during a full-blown tantrum, as my child repeats the same phrase over and over multiple times, as we turn the car around to pick up a misplaced puppy once again for the fifteenth time, but it has also taught me how to be patient with others. With their faults. With their limitations. It has taught me that some of our battles are hidden from the world, and that we all must endure them. It’s taught me not to take the emotions and actions of others personally, and to forgive them since most of the time it’s never about me…in the same way I forgive the little boy who may have bruised me with his punches or kicks, utterly confused me with his lack of speech, or laid that poor, beaten puppy down one too many times.
Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. Colossians 3:14
Love. Unconditional love. If the image of autism has not taught me anything else it has taught me what true love really is. Its knowing that love is not simply a word that is spoken, but something that is expressed through actions. It’s knowing that when I don’t hear “I love you,” my son’s sleeping face as I rub his back to soothe him to sleep is enough. It’s loving despite abilities. Despite one’s faults. Despite one’s vast differences. Despite the fact that just like Hunter’s blue puppy, we are all torn, dirty, and ragged. It’s learning to love like Christ-without limits. Even if it’s not reciprocated. Even if it means getting hurt. Even if it means I have to give more of myself. So much more physically, emotionally, and mentally. It’s teaching others to love in this way as well.
And always be thankful. Colossians 3:15
And yes, one can be thankful in the midst of raising a child with autism, raising any child with a disability. I didn’t ask for this struggle, but I wouldn’t have it any other way,
The Bible taught me about the greatness and goodness of God, but an autistic little boy taught me just what all this really means.
Kindness, patience, love, and thankfulness. They are found in this journey called autism. They are found in the struggles we face, and in the triumphs we celebrate. They are found in the image of a beautiful little boy. One made in the image of God.
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You Want Me to Do What?
“So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.” John 8:36
I used to have this desire to one day write my life story. I loved to write as a child and teen, and I loved to read books about the lives of others, especially those who had overcome obstacles.
But this past week, made me want to change my mind.
Why? Another week long counseling intensive at Liberty University. Another look at my past hurts. An activity that consisted of writing my autobiography had me changing my mind.
You want me to do what? You want me to write down events from my life and tell you how they impacted me? You want me to get physically sick, right?
And, that is exactly how I felt. Physically sick. I wanted to toss my cookies right then and there. Not because all the events of my past were bad, but because the ones that God had placed on my heart to write in this autobiography were the ones I thought I had done a great job of hiding.
And now you want me to do what?
As I willed my pen to write, I was immediately taken back to a conversation I had participated in not 30 minutes before. The one where I had said: “Those are not our burdens to carry. So many times we carry around the sins of others, and become burdened and shamed by them. But, they are not our sins to carry. They are their’s to take to the cross.”
Now, God wanted me to live out these words. Here I sat. Physically sick, still carrying around the burdens of someone else’s sin…along with a deep dread in the pit of my stomach!
Give your burdens to the Lord and He will take care of you. He will not allow the godly to fall. Psalm 55:22
I knew at that moment what God was asking me to do. I knew at that moment I had to stop carrying around the weight of other’s sins. As uncomfortable as it was, and as sick as I felt about it, I began to write down the burdens that had plagued me, shamed me, and made me a slave for years.
So, I let it go. And, I still felt uncomfortable writing the words. I still felt a little sick saying them out loud. But, I also felt peace. I also felt relieved. I also felt lighter.
As I looked up at the people around me, the people I had only met a couple days before, and the people with whom I had just shared my heaviest burdens, I did not feel condemnation and shame. I felt connected, and I felt acceptance. I felt free.
It is never easy to be vulnerable, to be completely honest and admit we don’t have it all together. We tell ourselves it is so much easier to put on a happy face, and shove the struggles and burdens we carry deep down inside so no one can see them. So no one can judge us. So no one can make us feel any more shame.
But, it is vulnerability that often connects people in a mighty way. It’s vulnerability and honesty that helps others who are carrying the same burdens heal. It’s vulnerability that allows our own hearts to heal.
“I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it will remain alone. But its death will produce new kernels-a plentiful harvest of new lives.” John 12:24
See, God wants us to be vulnerable, even in the face of fear, rejection, or shame. He expects us to bear each others burdens. He wants us to pour our hearts and souls out to others so they can see the saving power of God at work in our lives. To show how they too can truly be set free.
Freedom that comes from releasing our burdens. Freedom that comes in giving up our need to be “perfect” and “put together.” Freedom that comes in sharing our brokenness.
Freedom that comes from laying our burdens at the cross.
So, I now know what God wants me to do. He wants me to embrace my autobiography. To share my story. To become completely vulnerable. Just as the man who showed the ultimate expression of vulnerability-the one who was left alone, naked, bleeding, and dying…left completely vulnerable for all of our burdens.
About Me
I am January! Wife, mother, meemaw, pastor, and mental health provider who makes it through the day with my coffee, my journal, and my God; and I am also on some days a hot mess. A simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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Grace 'n Grounds 