Hello, I’m January
Inspiration and thoughts on God and faith, written by a simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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Do it anyway
I woke up that morning, after deciding at some point in the middle of the night that I was giving up. I had finally waved the white flag of defeat.
On what, exactly? Prayer. Not all prayer. Just a specific one.
As I sat in my favorite chair, I glanced down at my old, worn out Bible. The one I knew had prayers written in it. I picked up a different one. “Lord show me. Lead me. Help me. Tell me what I need to do for you today.” It was something I had been asking of Him daily, surrendering to His will. Trying to be still, and listen, and listen to His voice so I wasn’t moving ahead of Him (or waving that white flag too soon…oops).
“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7, NLT
The verse that began my daily devotional. And so I looked down and caught a glimpse of that old, worn out Bible. The one I had tossed to the side, and I heard this: “I never told you not to pray. You decided that on your own. What are you going to do?”
What WAS I going to do? White flag, remember?
I picked it up. That Bible. Surrender. That’s my word. And opened to this:
Then the Lord said to Job, “Do you still want to argue with the Almighty?
You are God’s critic, but do you have the answers?” Job 40:1-2,NLTI did. Boy, did I want to argue with God. I was weary from prayer. I felt those prayers were fruitless. I had been burdened with those prayers, and I still for the life of me did not understand the purpose.
But I did it anyway. I found a sticky note. Prayed over it. And then surrendered it to God.
I did it anyway.
“Lord show me. Lead me. Help me. Tell me what I need to do for you today.”
When you ask Him these things, He will show you. Lead. Help. Tell. You may not like what you hear. You may be tired. Weary. Sick of the burden.
But…do it anyway.
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Which one will you choose?
I trekked up the hill to my old “quiet place” to get alone with God. To be alone to allow Him to fill me with peace during an otherwise stressful week. One with deadlines galore, and tasks to be completed before a break could be taken. Time to be reminded of what made this week so holy.
The hill to the three crosses behind our church was certainly not as steep as the hill Jesus climbed on that Friday morning. The trek was not as hard. I did not take a beating on the way up. Nor did I suffer. My “soul was not crushed with grief to the point of death,” as Jesus’ had been (Mark 14:34, NLT)
However, the climb was different than times before. It was littered with a couple stray beer bottles, and once at the top I noticed the middle cross…you know, the one representing Jesus, was broken. Now one wooden pillar in the middle. The wind up here was colder. It didn’t feel as calm and peaceful up here as it once did. It felt eerie. I was sure the serpent, Satan, would at some point come slithering from the tree behind me.
I was jumpy. Agitated. Paranoid. The exact opposite of what I climbed this hill to find.
Peace.
“My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” Mark 15:34, NLT
As Jesus sat kneeling in the Garden of Gethsemane, he certainly had to lack peace. As each leaf shook, each branch broke, each breeze blew through the trees; I can imagine in his humanity he must have become jumpy and paranoid from the sounds of those coming to take him to his death.
But when he thought of his purpose, despite the pain, he had peace: “Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (Mark 14:36, NLT).
And what was that will?
But the other criminal protested, “Don’t you fear God even when you have been sentenced to die? We deserve to die for our crimes, but this man hasn’t done anything wrong.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom.” And Jesus replied, “I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise.” Luke 23:40-43
Yes. Jesus is the one in the middle. On that broken middle cross that I sat under. But he wasn’t the only cross erected there on that hill that fateful day.
There were two more. One on the left. One on the right.
He came to save them both. But only one went to paradise with him. He came to save us all. But only some will choose him. Some will choose his peace.
Which one are you? Which one are you today?
Do you want to keep saving yourself and stay on the path that leads away from paradise, or come into the kingdom with Jesus?
Which one will you choose?
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The Messy Middle
There is a place I dread visiting these days. For anyone navigating this stage of parenting, you must know this place. It is hidden behind a door in our home. I know who is there. Problem is…I never know what is there. Meaning, I never know what mess I will find. Are those clothes on the floor clean? Are all those cups necessary? Does an actual person live in here? I want to spend time with my teens, but does it have to be in here? Does it have to be in the middle of this mess?
And all the parents of teens said, “Amen.”
Yet…messy teenage rooms aren’t the only messes we hide from.
We run from the messy middle of our own making. Of life’s circumstances. Of the things we just don’t want to discuss, or even deal with all the time. We even run from the messes of others, because we aren’t comfortable carrying them. Or simply don’t know how.
We dread going through the mess of life, like we dread going into our kid’s rooms, and in our dread we hide. We hide behind masks. We plaster on plastic smiles and happy faces. Pretend that everything is “a-ok” so that the outside world believes that all is good up in our heads, and all in our heart.
Or we retreat. We may run and hide. We may shut ourselves out from the world so no one sees us. So we don’t have to explain away our suffering. Or because running feels like pretending to us. Escaping.
We all have messy we don’t want to address, so we dress-up under our masks. We may hope our mask will “pretty it all up.” We fix the outside up, because that masks the pain we don’t address inside. We fix the outside up, because if the outside looks good, and everyone can see it, then life is all good, right?
Sometimes we even mask up by numbing. With whatever mask we choose to hide away behind when we can’t manage to pretty up the outside. The numbing that takes place in the only way we know how to manage that pain on our own. Binge watching. Eating. Gambling. Drinking. Dating. Sleeping. Or just plain running.
We pretend until we have managed the pain on our own. And we have come out of our mess on the other side. Seemingly clean and unscathed. Or so everyone thinks.
We miss something when we mask up. When we run and hide and shut others out. Or numb it. We miss out on showing others what it looks like to live through the messy middle. What it looks like to truly surrender ourselves to our pain.
To survive it.
Because we can’t just pretend it didn’t happen. That we go through it unscathed. Not bruised. Not changed in some way.
No. We went through it. We didn’t put on a mask. We felt it. We couldn’t just numb it. It was painful. We couldn’t hide.
There is something to learn from those who pour it all out, and wade through the mess before them.
Who don’t search for potions, magic elixirs, and people to help them hide from it all.
Who do the work to get through the messy middle stronger, braver, lighter, and more ready to love than ever before.
Anyone can hide.
It takes a warrior to wade. To fight. To muddle through. To pray on knees, and cry hot, hot tears of defeat, anger, or bitterness. Sometimes all of them at once.
To not hide from messy, but to let it hang out in the open. To open doors that are scary to venture into. To have conversations that are uncomfortable. To admit that the mess was of our own making. To take ownership, and get to working on the clean-up, instead of ducking under the covers, and waiting for someone else to come from behind the door to do it.
To admit that through the messy middle, you doubted you would even see the end. Had lost faith in God. Saw more darkness than light. And yes…those prayers? They were definitely more angry than praiseworthy.
It takes bravery and courage to wade through the mess that way.
It’s not comfortable. No. No, it is not. But it is possible-together.
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Yes, we make mistakes. And we can admit them to each other, and get through them…with Him-together. But we have to be willing to release our desire to cover up. To cover up when we stumble. To hide when we fall.
In the messy middle, there is no place for masks. They don’t help. They only hurt. They don’t heal. They only cover up gaping wounds with bandaids that actually require stitches.
Be brave. Open the door. Wade through the mess of the chaos lying at your feet. Sit down with someone you trust, and share your messy middle. Because this…our mess. None of it can be waded through alone. It’s in the mess we see the love of God. It’s in our mess, someone else can, too.
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Praying: It’s not silly, it’s serious
And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for. 1 John 5:14-15, NLT
Think you can’t be delivered from anything? Think God doesn’t care about the small things? Even the small sins in your life? Think again.
“Mommy’s favorite word is the “s” word.” That would be my youngest son. Telling everyone who will listen about his mother’s favorite word. And, I do mean everyone. And, he didn’t mean “sugar,” “sweet,” “shopping,” or even “Starbucks.” He meant one that begins with “s,” and ends with “t.” Oh, yes. That “s” word. A swear word.
We have this store in my hometown that has been around for years. I love it. One, it’s cheap. Two, you can find anything AND everything. They also have the best home decor, and I love to fill my house with sayings, and signs with sayings. This store has the best. A ton of faith-filled signs. And on one of my trips here, I found it. The last one. Just waiting for me-“I love Jesus, but I cuss a little.”
Problem was…I hadn’t been cussing a little, I had been cussing a lot. And I had graduated from my favorite “s” word, to a few other words.
And I knew better…His Word told me so. It told me that my “old life was dead.”
And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That’s a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It’s because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn’t long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it’s all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk. Colossians 3:5-8, The Message
I knew better. God had delivered me from many a thing, but anger, bitterness, and hurt had reared it’s ugly head again. Satan used them all to make me mean. Irritable. And curse like a sailor. Yes, the “s” word came out every once in a while. I had even been delivered from my road rage. I didn’t want to go back there again.
And, it may seem silly, but that sign became a place I checked my spirit, and my bank account, and set up a swear jar.
Until, I confessed it in a Bible Study. Confessed in front of everyone that I, a pastor, was not perfect. Knew better, but sometimes, just didn’t do better. Loved Jesus, but cussed a little. And, maybe these days…a little too much.
Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. James 5:16, NLT
“Oh, we must pray right now! You have brought up something I bet someone else needs deliverance from, and I am glad you were bold enough to share it. I want to pray specifically for you!”
Say what? She was gonna pray for my cussing? Now, I trusted her sweet soul. I loved this lady. She was my accountability partner. She knew what I had been struggling with, but really…of all those things, cussing?
And, she did. In front of the people I had preached before. In front of those I was called to lead, she prayed for my “sin.” That I would leave that day, and not have to place another nickel in my swear jar.
I left that night and said to my husband, “I can’t believe she prayed for my cussing. It’s just the “s” word” See, she takes her prayers seriously. When she knows something displeases God, and he wants one of His own to turn away from something that may cause them to stumble, she fervently prays. Shouldn’t we all be this way? About even what we consider to be silly things?
A couple days ago, my youngest at the dinner table tried to do it again: “Well, we all know Mommy’s favorite word.” To which I replied…“Nope. Do you? Because since I was prayed for a few Wednesday nights ago, I haven’t said that word, and that sign has been moved.”
Yes…moved. And in it’s place is this. A reminder of the “s” word I am supposed to be living out this year: Surrender.
So back to Colossians 3…I urge you to take a look at the entire chapter. Because maybe there are some “s” words (sins) in there you need to surrender to God in prayer, too. Maybe cussing isn’t your thing. Maybe it isn’t the thing you know not to do, but do it anyway. Maybe for you it’s anger. A bad temper. Unforgiveness. Or maybe it’s lying. Hiding things because you think no one will find out. Or a lustful nature you feed, and feed, and feed.
He takes ALL of it seriously, just like my precious accountability partner, and He wants you to have a “new life.” I want that for you, too. So “confess to each other.” Feel free to comment, and I will surely carry your burden, take it seriously, and pray that you are delivered, too.
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Still I know He is God
We will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge. Psalm 46:2-3, NLT
One year. A lot can happen in one year. Schools can shut down virtually overnight. People you thought were solid, prove to be pretty fluid. Jobs can be lost, and so can people. The world can come to a stand still. Weddings, birthday celebrations, and others of sorts can be canceled. Funerals can become drive-by only. Deliveries of babies can happen without a family member in sight. Church doors can close, and elderly neighbors can now be visited by waving to each other from a window.
The world is so different. Your world feels so uncertain. You may be so full of fear.
Yet, let’s not forget verse 10 of David’s Psalm, “Be still and know that I am God.”
That verse, when the Lord forced me to be still, brought me comfort. And the psalm, with all its references to raging seas and chaos, reminds me of a song by Mikeschair titled “Let the Waters Rise.” The lyrics of the chorus are as follows: There’s a raging sea/Right in front of me/Wants to pull me in/Brings me to my knees/So let the waters rise/If you want them to/I will follow you.
Follow Him. In the midst of the chaos and the uncertainty. Trust that all will be well. Hard stuff? Well, yes-because we are a people that need all the answers-right now! Me? I am a person that craves predictability, and uncertainty is NOT my jam.
Be still and know…
And still? No…we are not a people who know how to be still. But a year later, I do know this-He is most certainly God. He is a God who didn’t let the waters consume me, and though chaos raged all around me, and some days it may still, He provides the answers every single time. He provides peace.
And though it is hard to pray some days, when I fall on my knees and ask Him to guide me through the uncertainty, He most certainly will. Because “He was faithful before, and He will be faithful again.”
My year had its fair share of crumbled mountains and raging seas, losses and defeats. There were many of those. Stories for a later time. But in each one there is victory. Victory even when I wasn’t still. Victory because in each one, there was always God.
About Me
I am January! Wife, mother, meemaw, pastor, and mental health provider who makes it through the day with my coffee, my journal, and my God; and I am also on some days a hot mess. A simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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