Hello, I’m January
Inspiration and thoughts on God and faith, written by a simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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The truth about love and lists
I am here to be real. To be straight up. To share the messy. The truthful. And if you remember, I had some issues about love and what it meant for me a couple months back. All because I was tasked with making a list.
I shared a little about that assignment and how it made me feel here.
That assignment. It changed me. In a good way. I didn’t make that list. But it wasn’t an act of defiance. The fact that I didn’t ever make that list, is actually a good thing.
Because, I took the time to read through the Bible. To read what God says about me. About His love for me. And he lists a lot of things. Many reasons why I should feel loved everyday.
I don’t plan on ever making a list.
Because love isn’t a list of shoulds and should nots.
It’s not a list of I do this, and then you do that. Because love isn’t conditional.
It’s not a list of what is right or wrong.I don’t need a list in the morning to tell me to spend time with God. I do it because I have a desire to. I don’t need a notification, or someone to remind me to do so. I do it because I crave a connection with him. I want to have a conversation with him.
It’s because I love him. And If I don’t spend that time with him. If I don’t have that conversation. My day is all jacked up.
I don’t need a list to tell me that this spending time…that it is part of knowing love, being loved, and loving someone.
So I’m not finishing that list. Because there’s already one in the Bible. And it’s read at weddings…and it’s a call to Christians about loving each other. But sometimes I don’t see it or feel it.
What’s even more funny, is I read and prayed over this list every day for several years…but I didn’t feel it myself. Until I started praying it for myself. It’s a list all about love and how we can express it freely without money or material things.
It’s found in 1 Corinthians 13.
Paul writes to the Corinthian church all about love. It’s expression. The way we are to show it to others. The way we feel it from others. This love comes from God, and it’s our outward action to those around us. Whether in romantic relationship, or simply because we are a reflection of how He expresses it to us, and expects us to do the same.It’s our list.
It’s been read so many times. Dissected so many times. Countless weddings have had this passage as the reading that defines the joining of two people. But…do we do what it says. Do we live it out? Do we actively express it? Do we feel it from each other? See it in each other?And I’ll be honest. I couldn’t read it a couple months ago. I could not get through this chapter. It hurt. It felt like it applied to everyone but me. Like God wanted me to do these things, but I didn’t think I was worthy of receiving them.
I was oh so wrong.
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.Love never dies. 1 Corinthians 13:1-8, MSG
Here is my suggestion: Stop making lists. Of wrongs. Or even rights. We already have one. In the Bible. A list of how we are to show and be loved. Are the people we love these things? Are you these things? Do you feel these? See these? Are you doing these?
There’s your list. That’s how you love. Because He did it first. There isn’t a list needed. It’s all right here.
He gave His love to you. Now you…you go give it to someone else. But, start with God…and yourself first. The rest will flow later. That’s the only requirement for this list. Love Him. Love yourself as He loves you. Then go and love them.
I learned a lot about what I thought I was missing. What I thought I knew about love. Where it really came from the entire time. It was right there all along. From my Heavenly Father.
Maybe you have looked in all the wrong places for far too long. Maybe you have made lists, only to come up empty. Still yearning. Still wondering if you, or the people you give your love to are worthy.
They are. Because He says they are. You are. Because He says you are.
Want to know more? More of what I learned in my seeking to know more about what He loved about me? I’m still learning, we all are. We always are. But I’m willing to share what I am learning, as I learn to love the person God pursues daily.
I am writing about it for the next few weeks here on the blog, and you can join me, and maybe even trash your list of what the world tells you about love.
So you can fill up on His
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Walk tall, and own your crown
Ever watched one of those beauty contests? You know, like Miss USA, Miss Universe, and the like? I have never been in one of these pageants. Just not my thang…but I have watched them. And one of the questions I always had-how do they keep that huge crown on their head? Pins of some sort, I am sure. But…also, their posture. Have you ever seen a beauty queen slumped over? Have you ever seen someone try to walk with a slouch while trying to keep a crown on?
It probably isn’t possible.
“Can you walk on that beam? Without falling?” It’s the question a young second-grader had asked me. I had taken him outside early one morning to climb the monkey bars in an effort to keep him awake in class. You know, because movement and fresh air wakes the brain. Science and psychology, but you didn’t come here for that.
Anyway…I had on heels. Surely, I could NOT walk on that beam without falling. Until, I thought of something. I had been thinking of this something for a while really. Posture. What if walking on that beam had nothing to do with the shoes I was wearing, but everything to do with my posture?
At first, I stepped on. Took a few steps. Fell off. Then, I adjusted my stance. I held my head high. I refused to look down. I looked straight ahead. And I walked. All the way to the end. In heels. On a skinny beam, meant for one small foot.
“You did it! In heels!” Yes, I did.
And you can too. Walk on beams. And walk in places people have told you that you couldn’t before. Walk without letting your crown fall off. Just like a queen. Just like a king. In heels, or whatever you choose to wear.
It’s all about your posture. Your stance. The way you hold your head. It has nothing to do with what you wear. Where you came from. What anyone has said about you, or what you have done.
It’s your posture.
You can’t wear your crown, if you keep looking down.
And I realized this on that beam, as a second grader watched me walk along it in clunky high-heels; watching my example. Trying it again the same way I did-over and over. I can’t carry His crown, if I keep looking down. If I keep looking down at others. If I keep looking down on myself. If I keep playing small, reducing my posture, holding myself back, not standing tall, or refusing to shine too bright because I am afraid someone else will take offense.
I have noticed my posture over the years, and it is bad. I couldn’t hold a crown on this head with this posture, it would fall right off. And why is it that I scrunch my shoulders, tighten my neck muscles, and try so hard to curl up in a tight ball to make myself small?
I have inherited a crown! I need to own my Father’s crown. My place as His royal princess, and stand tall in who I am. Shoulders back. Head high. No more playing small for God.
Do you need to do the same? If you placed His crown on your head, would it fall right off? What kind of posture do you have right now? Are you playing small? Crouching in corners because you think you are too “something” to be used, or too afraid of what others may think.
Stop it!
God doesn’t want us to be shy with his gifts, but bold and loving and sensible. 2 Timothy 1:7, MSG
He gifted you. You. You in your boldness. You in your posture. You and your God-given, unique, no other made just like you crown.
You.
You may be too much of something for someone. But for someone else you are exactly what they need. And for God you are made exactly for His purpose in their lives.
You.
You must stop playing small for those who can’t appreciate your version of love, care or light; or who don’t even give you a second thought, don’t value that light, or let it shine.
You.
You are altogether wonderful and appreciated by the people meant to be loved by you. Meant to be inspired by you; some you haven’t even met yet. Or may not ever meet. You and your crown have a purpose in someone’s life.
Who you are matters. What you do matters. You matter. Keep standing tall. Stop playing small. Put that crown on your head, my dear; and don’t you dare let it fall!
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I’ll roll with it…and not quit
Surrender. In common terms surrender is the act of giving up one’s power over something. In relation to God, it is one’s active choice to yield all decisions and all control to Him. Surrender is a bold act, and it is brave, courageous, and often we dive into it head first thinking that the road will be easy. The road to surrender is definitely not one of ease. It is bumpy. Full of fits and starts. Stop signs, and lanes that only seem to go one way. A roadblock up ahead, or two, or three.
Surrender may make you want to renege on your decision to surrender it all. Like seriously just give up.
Where am I going with this? Let me explain.
I choose a word to define changes I plan on making each year. I don’t make resolutions, because my resolve is to always make sustainable, consistent, and everlasting change. Not a year-long goal that ends when the new ball drops. So this year: surrender. I felt His tug on my heart (and my brain and body) to stop moving, and allow Him to move. To stop trying to control everything, and let Him handle it. It hasn’t been easy, so I am sitting back, and letting things be a bit.
Some things I have breezed through. Like a phone call later in the winter stating that there could be a barrier to preparation for my ordination service I hoped to be attending in July.
Oh, well if you have that one class left you may have to wait until next year.
He meant next year…like a whole new year. I really wanted it this year.
So you know how I knew this surrender thing was working? Up to this point anyway…
Because if this had been last year…you know like 2020 last year, I would have come undone. I would have been in a puddle of tears on the floor after that call. But I wasn’t.
I just said to the advisor: It would be a disappointment to wait even longer after such a long time, and working this hard, for just one class…but if that’s what God wants. Then that’s His will. I’ll roll with it.
Until, the time came. And another meeting came. And, well-I didn’t roll with it. I knew in my heart I was supposed to be surrendering. And, come on. That is what we all do, right? Thy will be done, God; but…can you please do it this way? In this amount of time for me? Thanks!That class did in fact become a hiccup, among some other things. And I do in fact have to wait another year. And, no…I didn’t roll with it. I broke down. I spent weeks in discouragement. Convinced I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t cut out for this. I had done something wrong. God was mad at me. I failed. I didn’t measure up, and I was just going to give up. And I told a beloved friend this. And this is what I heard…January, have you ever quit anything? Really, you haven’t have you? So why quit, now?”
And he was right. I hadn’t. I always finished. I may have taken detours. Started at different times than others. Maybe a little later. Taken a little longer. Maybe even a break or two. But I always finished.
I am not a quitter.And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6
So, I started that last class this week knowing it was the last one I would have to take, and knowing it was up to me to continue to surrender to His will in all of this. Even if it was not exactly the way I wanted it all to turn out.His timing. Not mine. Because if it had been up to me, I would not have quit that class back in December. I would have pressed through, exhausted, worn, and weary. And gotten nothing out of it.
He knew I needed to wait.
Because when I opened the book, read the intro and saw the author had also struggled with giving up in ministry. When I read about the heart to embolden women to walk in their unique purpose. When I felt the Spirit tugging and pulling at me-I knew this was the time.
I had wanted to give up. Walk away. I quit the class out of necessity, but I was on the verge of quitting the journey all together.
But He knew I was just in a waiting season.
I just needed to be patient. I just needed more time.
His time. Not mine. He knew I was not a quitter.
I remember a poem I had to recite in 7th grade. Not read. Like memorize. Stand up in front of class and recite by memory. I still remember it. Still remember many of its lines. I will leave you with a couple of those lines today…emblazoned in the memory a woman, much older than that 7th grader, but still determined to never, ever quit.
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit. -John Greenleaf
Don’t you quit. Don’t you dare quit now just because it is taking a little longer. Don’t you dare let the devil’s ridiculous voice convince you to quit. You, you…you just keep rolling with it.So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Galatians 6:9
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To be known
I walked in the room, knowing I needed to apologize. Dinner in our home is definitely a time of interesting, and fiery conversation. The fiery ones center mostly on the state of virtual school. On any given night, one parent ends up being the bad cop, the good cop, or we both end up just being lame. Tonight, it was me.
I wasn’t “bad.” I hadn’t yelled. We hadn’t had the dreaded school discussion that ends in stomping to rooms, but I hadn’t set a “good” example. Not one sprinkled with grace and acceptance.
I had mocked someone we knew at the dinner table. Judged a situation, and judged the person in the situation.
And any of you who haven’t committed this sin, be the first to cast a stone. I’ll wait.
While I wait…and wait, I’ll explain my apology. If I feel my example has not been one of Christlike-ness; or let’s just say, if I KNOW, because the Spirit tells me it hasn’t, I will apologize. This means I will also apologize to my kids.
Now, I know some don’t believe in this. But, the Bible is clear about how humble we must become to enter His kingdom:
Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven.” Matthew 18:3, NLT
Like children. So I’m not above apologizing to a child. Especially if I know that one is watching and learning from me.
“I shouldn’t have said what I did tonight. Made fun of what happened. It was wrong. I am not going to justify my behavior. I should have explained my thoughts differently. It was wrong. I didn’t set an example, and it wasn’t kind.”
The apology opened up a conversation about authenticity and belonging.
See…I had left a space earlier that day feeling shunned and unwelcome. Like I was an intrusion. And I let it fester all day. To the point that I let the inauthentic response of another trigger me into anger, and a mean-spirited response.
When I should have explained at dinner the importance of making others feel comfortable in all spaces. Allow others to be free to be themselves, so they don’t have to constantly “shape-shift,” and be less than themselves. To be inclusive to all. To make others feel a little less self-conscious, but rather accepted, seen, loved, and known.
“I don’t want you to be 42 years old, and just figuring this out like I am.”
As I sat typing out the words to this post, I reached for my phone to locate a verse I needed and found this…a note I had typed out in my phone over a year ago. A short “letter” I had written to the younger me.
Dear Younger me,
Choose your circle wisely. You should be loved by your peeps for who you are, not for who you pretend to be. If you have to change who you were made to be to fit into a space, that isn’t your space.
And as I read it, I realized…though she thought it “cringy…” I had just said these exact same words, without my even knowing to a pretty spot-on, younger version of 13 year-old me.
And no…I didn’t want her to have to figure all this out in another 30 years.
And goodness, I am still trying to figure out many days who it is that God sees in me.
Because that is what I want her to see: who God sees. Not what anyone in any room she may walk into may see. Because more often than not…they may not see ALL that God has given her. ALL her talent. ALL her gifts. ALL that makes her so uniquely special, and set apart.
And it’s the same for you. There will be rooms you walk into where you may be known by name, but in which people still just don’t see you. You still don’t feel known. You will move in circles with people who don’t know who you really are, because you feel as if you have to cover up the real you. Play pretend. You may waste years and years trying to fit into spaces that will just never “fit” you, and who you are.
Know this. Embrace it today.
You are always seen and intimately known by God. He knows everything about you, and He still loves you. He has a place for you, and you never have to pretend, cover up; nor will you feel all alone.
He sees the real you. The broken you. The insecure you. The too loud you. The shy you. The you trying to fit into spaces that make you cringe.
He knows your name. He sees you. He loves you. He accepts you. You are known. You belong.
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For those who seek Him
Stories. We all use stories to make a point. Stories are a more interesting way to get a message across to people. A way to help others understand a concept that may be a little hard for others to grasp. Stories keep audiences engaged. Everyone loves a good story. Well, most everyone.
“Why do you that? You speak in these crazy metaphors that make no sense.”
They make sense to those actually asking me questions to learn something. To learn the truth.
See, the one asking that question ended up working for a modern-day Judas. He was never going to understand the metaphor. He wasn’t looking for the right answer. He was digging in the dirt.
I do use metaphors, or “stories,” when I speak. I do this a lot. Sometimes it is simply because I am a writer and a deep thinker, so my mind naturally thinks in the abstract. However, it is to often get the listener to also think about things differently…and to gauge whether they are really actually listening. And to determine what they are actually seeking.
Someone else did this, too.
Jesus. And no…I’m not Jesus. I’m called to be like him. But he spoke in parables, and he had a point in using them.
Later when Jesus was alone with the twelve disciples and with the others who were gathered around, they asked him what the parables meant. He replied, “You are permitted to understand the secret of the Kingdom of God. But I use parables for everything I say to outsiders, so that the Scriptures may be fulfilled: When they see what I do, they will learn nothing. When they hear what I say, they will not understand. Otherwise, they will turn to me and be forgiven. Mark 4:10-12
Yes. He spoke in parables to determine who was seeking truth. And who was just “faking it.” Who was going to understand him, and who simply could not. Who was a Peter, and who was a Judas. Who was a friend, and who was a betrayer. Who was gonna sit a while and reflect, ask questions, seek to understand, communicate through this “crazy metaphor;” or who was gonna decide it was to much and run back to where the silver was. All those things, but he also used them to determine who was ready to learn a bit more, and who needed a little more time. A little more nurturing.
Now back to the “crazy metaphor” it was about a plant. Which if you knew the entire story… it really did have a lot to do with the question. If one was really seeking the truth.
“It’s like that plant over there. It’s dying now. But before, it was over here. And it was only withered a little bit. And the soil was just a little dry. All someone had to do was water it. Keep it over here in its original environment, and give it some more water. But someone decided it needed to be over there in that windowsill, in the bright sun. That’s not a bright sun plant. It’s in the wrong environment. And now it’s dying. Study your environment some more. Some of your plants aren’t in good soil.”
Truth seekers. They will move the plant back to the good soil.
Fakers. Won’t get that they needed to change the soil they were in. Or just give the plant a bit more water.
That was the purpose of the metaphor.
That was the purpose of the parables of Jesus. And we saw so many did not understand his words. So many saw him as crazy. Simply didn’t listen. Turned away from him. Or worse-persecuted him.
But others did understand.
Jesus used many stories and illustrations to teach the people as much as they could understand. In fact, in his public ministry he never taught without using parables; but afterward, when he was alone with his disciples, he explained everything to them. Mark 4:33-34
Want to distinguish yourself between the seeker and the faker? The one who understands, and the one who runs away? Ask the questions. Ask about the stories. Ask about the Bible. Have someone you trust, and who knows Jesus, explain it to you. That is how you will see and learn; hear and understand; turn and be forgiven.
That is the purpose of the stories for those who seek Him.
About Me
I am January! Wife, mother, meemaw, pastor, and mental health provider who makes it through the day with my coffee, my journal, and my God; and I am also on some days a hot mess. A simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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