Hello, I’m January
Inspiration and thoughts on God and faith, written by a simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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Be Joyful in Hope… Patient in Affliction… Faithful in Prayer
I truly believe God places people in our lives for a reason and he has done so with this beautiful friend of mine. She is speaking right from my own heart today! Check out this Godly Momma’s blog!
This morning, I would like to share with you a message God has been diligently teaching me. Life has thrown me some pretty rough curve balls over the past 8 weeks, actually over the past year. I am nearing the end of earning my Master’s in Professional Counseling, as I have followed God in his calling over my life to counsel His sheep. It seems the closer I get to my degree completion, Satan is working over time to hinder my progress. I have been sick, my kids have been sick, my heart is been broken by rejection, my motivation is desperately lacking, doubt is at an all time high, and it seems nothing is running smoothly. Several times I have succumbed to these feelings of discouragement. I have cried tears of frustration, rejection, and heart brokenness. I have struggled to find time to spend with my family, let alone…
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Every Single Strand
And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. Matthew 10:30
It is no secret that our home has been a breeding ground for one “learning” experience after another. So, it is no surprise that our home would start to breed other things as well.
Like…lice.
Yes, I know. Yuck. Gross. My thoughts exactly! The mere mention of them makes my skin crawl and my head itch. If that is not enough to make you cringe, then just take a look at the head full of hair in the picture above. Yes, that head. The one with the dark tangled curls. That is where our new problem decided to breed.
And, yet again. God hands me a lesson in the midst of our new problem.
“Mommy, this is why I hate my hair.”
And, I get it. I remember feeling the same way about my own long, curly locks. But, I don’t want my little girl to feel such contempt for her looks, so instead of agreeing, I simply said: “Hayley, your hair is beautiful. It is exactly the way God wanted it to be.”
And, with her best oh-mommy-you-are-so-dumb look of annoyance- “God wanted me to get lice?”
“Well, yes. And you know what? God knows exactly how many strands of hair are on your head. And, believe it or not. He knows exactly how many of these strands also have lice eggs (except, he certainly was not letting me in on this little secret!).
While I certainly did not want to be picking these gross things out of this head full of hair, He wanted me to.
Maybe it was for the simple fact that I couldn’t think of the last time I had actually spent 3 hours just hanging out with my daughter.
Or, maybe it was to make me understand that He not only knows everything about my little girl, and still loves her; He feels the same way about me as well. That the same messages of His love I try so hard to get her to understand, also apply to me as well.
To remind me that while I may use His word to keep the world and its messages of what is beautiful from corrupting the self-esteem of my daughter, I need to heed these words as well. Even if I have been beaten up by a cruel and harsh world.
Like me, my mom always made sure I knew that the many strands of curly hair on my head were beautiful, but it didn’t change the fact that I still looked different from my classmates.
That those strands were a source of ridicule.
That those strands would be the very thing a harsh and cruel world would focus on.
The very strands I began to hate. To loathe. To scorn. Until I moved on to hate and scorn other parts of my body. My upturned nose. My short legs. My strong arms. My crooked teeth.
The very things that God loves about me, and the very things that set me apart from everyone else.
So, He could have made me look like everyone else, but He chose to give me thick, curly, brown hair. Just as He knows the number of strands on my daughter’s head (and the number of lice, too….yuck!), He also knows the number of hairs on my head.
He knows my fears. He knows my doubts.
He knows my strengths. He knows my weaknesses.
You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts when I am far away. Psalm 139:2
And, He also fashioned all my parts. My body. My teeth. My nose. My hair.
Unlike the cruel and harsh world that often does not appreciate the very things that make us unique, God loves every part of me. Of my little girl. Of all of us.
And this is something I won’t allow the world to take from my beautiful daughter.
This is something I can’t allow the world to take away from me.
From the tips of my toes, to the hairs on my short-stranded head-God loves all of me!
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For He is Pleased with Me
Recently as part of an exercise for training I have to do as a volunteer, I had to ask a few people about my strengths and weaknesses. While I wasn’t surprised by the responses (That is good, right?), I also learned that many of these strengths are also my greatest weaknesses.
Because while I am caring, passionate, and can handle multiple tasks, I am also too caring, too passionate, and find it hard to say “no.”
Because I care too much, I also care too much about what others think. I hate criticism, and in the process of being picked apart, I start picking at myself even more.
Because I am too passionate, I take on the burdens, worries, and struggles of the world around me. In the process I get worn down, beat up, broken, and used up.
Because I resist the urge to say “no” in the fear of disappointing someone, I take on too much, and then I fail. I disappoint someone despite trying to do it all, and I once again feel worn down, beat up, broken, and used up.
While I have many friends who do a great job celebrating my strengths, I also have a number of people who love to celebrate my weaknesses.
Unfortunately, this is the place I tend to dwell.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10
It’s that thief. The one that prowls around to remind me of my inadequacies that I often allow into my head. The one that allows a hurtful comment to fester in my heart, until I start believing the liar that tells me I am not good enough. I could never measure up to those who came before me. I’m weak. I’m not equipped. I’m “Bible stupid.” I’m a big, fat failure.
I forget too often that these lies are the very ones God wants me to put to rest. The God who tells me I am loved beyond measure. I am strong. I am equipped and He has given me the wisdom to do His will. That I could never fail Him.
However, people will turn their backs on you. But, God always has our back!
People will leave you. God is always with you.
People will be against your ideas, your dreams, your plans. God is always for you. Cheering you on to fulfill His ideas. His dreams. His plans.
People will hurt you, criticize you, and pick you apart. God will protect you, love you, and set you apart.
People will disappear when you need their support the most. God will never leave you lonely. He carries our burdens when everyone else disappears.
People will forever disappoint. But, God will never let us down!
So, from one people pleaser to another. Let’s remember our aim is not to please the world. Our aim is not to please and live out the dreams of others.
Our aim is to live for Him. Please Him. Do His will. Because His applause and His approval is really the only one I want to strive to receive. The only applause that will never cease. The applause and pat on the back that the world could never give.
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Saying Yes to a Little Rest
It is useless for you to work hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest for his loved ones. Psalm 127:2
There is a phrase I have heard many times during my years in both lay and pastoral ministry: You can be doing many “good” things, but they may not all be “God” things.
Lately, I have been doing many “good” things. So many that my calendar has not one day on which something is not scheduled. I am going to school. Training to mentor women in crisis. Mentoring in my community. Spending a weekend away with my husband. Visiting my brother.
I certainly believe all of these “good” things are also God ordained.
But in the midst of this hustle and bustle, I have also done some not so “good” things.
In my busyness I have rushed my kids and family. Snapped at my husband for helping me, because it seems to be something I can’t allow anyone else to do. I have yelled at everyone in this house to clean up, to hurry up, to get up…well, because I am fed up!
In thinking of all these “good” things I need to get done. All those “good” things swimming around in this already overcrowded brain, I have lost the ability to add much else, which means minor distractions have made me come undone. Like jump across the table in a meeting with duct tape undone if that co-worker makes another noise. Like snatch that chip bag from my son’s hands undone if he chews any louder!
Yes, not “good” things at all.
“When all of life feels like an urgent rush from one demand to another, we become forgetful. We forget simple things like where we put our car keys [GUILTY!] or that one crucial ingredient for dinner when we run into the grocery store [Stark-raving mad GUILTY]. But even more disturbing, we forget God. We say with our mouths that we are trusting and relying on God, but are we really?” -Lysa TerKeurst, The Best Yes
And, as I hold onto the end of my rope, and my overcrowded calendar. As I snap at my kids. As I snicker at co-workers, and contemplate punching my husband (Oh, admit it….you do this, too!), God gently whispers, You forgot something, January.
You forgot to rely on me.
So, then what does he do? He gives me a sick child. He gives me the ability to choose my “best yes.” To rub the burning hot head of the moaning and groaning little boy on the couch, or the demands of my overcrowded schedule.
He gave me no choice but to drop off a few appointments from my calendar, delegate some need to do tasks to others, and spend some time with Him, and the one who needed my time the most.
While He didn’t reveal in these last couple days all the answers to my doubts. While I don’t know what is to come, or what He has planned yet, that much needed time of rest, of prayer, of time bonding with my blue-eyed boy will make me better equipped to handle the week to come.
To slow down and enjoy my kids.
To go away with my husband without worrying about the state of the house.
To appreciate the enthusiasm of a co-worker in the next meeting.
To look forward to what God has planned after this last week at work, instead of looking at the mounting bills on the kitchen table.
To remember God’s nudging to take time for Him. Time for the ones who are most important to me.
Not just when I want to tape my co-worker’s mouth shut, or deck my husband. Not just when I can’t do one more “good” thing. Not just when I’m at the end of my rope and fed up.
But, making sure that one of my first answers of “yes” to Him, is just simple time of rest.
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Lord, I Am Just Worn!
I’m tired and worn. My heart is heavy. -Tenth Avenue North
I have shared before how much I may seem to thrive off this crazy ability to manage an insanely busy schedule. This is something many believe I can make look easy. Juggling the hats labeled mom, taxi driver, student, assistant, pastor, mentor, wife, and counselor, I often get asked the question, “How in the world do you manage it all?”
Let me assure you….I don’t.
Sometimes the need to manage it all drives me plum crazy. Until all the hats begin to manage me.
I get tired. I get worn. I get irritated. I get angry. And, I scream. At God.
And I know that you can give me rest. So I cry out with all that I have left.
That cry came just the other day as I was getting ready for an appointment. I had the pleasure of spending a much needed weekend away with my husband. A time away with no plans, no crazy demands, and rest. And, since God seems to have my sarcastic sense of humor, I have since paid for this time of rest upon my return.
On this particular morning, as I prepared to take my son who had broken his wrist for yet another round of X-rays, I discovered I had once again (yes, that’s right-again!) lost his insurance card. In a frantic search for this missing piece of vital information…I lost it.
As I looked up towards the heavens, I screamed. God! Give.Me.A.Break! I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t handle all these things you keep throwing at me! Enough! Got it?
I.Can’t.Do.It.Anymore!
I’m tired. I’m worn. Life just won’t let up.
“Your son may need surgery.” This in the midst of some ongoing critiscm. This before some even sadder news for my family.
So, I find myself once again for the second time in two days looking up and yelling. I’m tired here! I need a break! Can’t you see I am worn out? I am tired of dealing with these things, Lord.
Until God reminds me of something.
As I tell a friend about how my spirit is struggling to deal with it all, her answer reminds me of why He is allowing these things to be thrown at me.
“You’re getting an opportunity to write a “trust check” to God. Now you get to spend some of that trust.”
Um, could I spend it on a spa vacation, please? Well, no. Because as good as that would feel for a few days, those struggles would still be thrown at me. Until I finally start to realize my “trust payment” comes in the midst of all these messes.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
And, I was certainly asking for rest as I frantically searched for that insurance card. While laying on the couch suffering from a migraine. After hearing bad news. After being the target of yet one more critical remark.
Worn. Tired. Desperate. The only time I seem to plead and come to Him lately. Not daily, or on those days when things are actually good.
Trials are going to come. They are just waiting around the corner, and sometimes they come one after the other. But, God doesn’t want us to only reach for Him when we are in the middle of trials. When we are worn down. Tore up. Broken. He wants us to do this all the time.
When we go to Him, he lets us know our struggles will soon end.
When we go to Him, he mends all the places that are torn, tattered, and just plain worn out.
He gives us rest on our good days, and peace on our bad.
Even when we are worn.
About Me
I am January! Wife, mother, meemaw, pastor, and mental health provider who makes it through the day with my coffee, my journal, and my God; and I am also on some days a hot mess. A simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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