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The Moments in Between
Routines. Structure. Plans. We all need them. We all make them. And, well…sometimes we don’t stick to them. Most of us can handle a bit of spontaneity. And, well…others can’t.
Routines. Structure. Plans. We are a family that must make plans. We must have a routine. A finely structured plan to get through the day. Navigate a new situation. Make sense of the world. Our little guy craves it. He needs it. He comes completely unglued without it.
The priceless smile above? Those come in the moments in between the meltdowns. The crawling and kicking on the floor. The tantrums that wreak havoc on a mother’s weary soul. The chaos born of a day with no routine. No structure. Wrecked plans.
And, I’ll be honest. On those days I just want to walk away. When I can’t take another day of the screams and the slaps. The grunts. The deciphering of verbal cues and codes I don’t understand. When I don’t want to figure out what triggered this meltdown. When I don’t want to fathom how this same kid can solve his sister’s math problems, and use the word “complicated” in a complete and perfect sentence, but can’t tell me he is “hungry,” “tired,” or just downright “angry!”
Those moments, I honestly want to lose the smile I keep plastered on my face. The smile that lets the world think these behaviors, these meltdowns don’t get the best of me. They don’t break me. They don’t make me want to completely unravel.
But, they do…
Until God reminds me of the moments in between. Of those small moments given of which we can rejoice. Like the little legs that had such a hard time walking. The ones that are now pedaling a bike. Of the small voice that often comes out in grunts, but now utters with such pride….”Mommy, Mommy! Look at me go!”
Yes, Mommy. Look at him go. Can you cherish this moment in between all those others?
Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
There are many wastelands on this journey through the wilderness known as autism. Many times when the strategies we have to calm our little boy. The carefully structured routines. The plans we make to keep him focused, soothed, and ward off frustration just come unraveled. And, there are times we want to come unraveled, too. When it all just gets to be too much. When the smiles fade, and we just want to throw up our hands and give up.
Yet, God gives us small pathways and rivers in this wilderness. In our wasteland.
He gives us the moments in between.
The moments of belly laughter.
The moments of sweet hugs.
The moments of endless banter on sharks and plants.
The moments of smiles that light up a room.
The moments when the smiles are a little easier to plaster on our own faces.
The moments of joy when we see that little boy go.
Can you cherish those moment in between?
When it gets too hard to parent this child I have been given. When I just can’t find the strength to handle his meltdowns. When I want to unravel right before his eyes, I must remember those moments that make all of these not so wonderful ones worth all the therapy. All the schedules. All the finely mastered routines worth it. Remember the same God who gave this child to me, is the same God who mastered this little boys smile. His intelligence. His warm cuddles.
The same God who gives us those precious moments in between.
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His Everlasting Arms
The eternal God is your refuge, and His everlasting arms are around you. Deuteronomy 33:27
It’s 10 in the morning. The kids are home again. The snow has pushed them outside of their routine, inside the house, and after only two hours they are bored. Cranky. Hungry. Frustrated. And everything in between.
And in desperate need of a break.
But, only one of these kids can actually express that. Can tell me he or she is bored. Cranky. Hungry. Frustrated. And everything in between.
Instead, this one simply grunts, kicks, screams, punches, and lays in a heap on the floor.
And both of us are in desperate need of a break. Some time apart before both of us explode.
“Hun, you have to use your words. If you are hungry, or need help you have to let me know so I can help you.”
Then this boy who needed a break from his boredom, his crankiness, his hunger, his frustrations, and everything in between…reaches out and gives me what we both needed-a hug!
One of those hugs that warms your very soul. The clinging-of-the-neck-I’m-not-letting-go-of-you kind of hug. The kind that says “I’ll always help you. Always have your back. Always love you. Always accept you.”
So he himself stepped in to save them with his strong arm. Isaiah 59:16
While I sat on the bedroom floor with my smallest child, holding on for dear life, I was reminded of this-God wants us to hold Him this dear as well.
When we wake up with a case of the crankies, He wants us to reach out to Him and hold Him tight.
When we need help, and can’t find the words, He wants us to call on Him.
When we are agitated, frustrated, and everything in between. When we want to lay on the floor and kick and scream. When all we really need is a hug. He wants to be the one we reach for. He wants us to hold tight to His promise that these trials, and these feelings will not last forever.
Hold on. Cling to Him. So we can be reminded in those everything in between moments that He will always help you. Always have your back. Always love you. Always accept you. Always keep you safe in His everlasting arms.
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Together We Have Him
The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by their hand. Psalm 37:23
I love snow. Well, let me rephrase that. I love “looking” at the snow. I love watching the dense white flakes fall from the sky, and onto the barren winter ground.
All from the comfort of my cozy, warm home.
“Mommy, I want to go outside and play in the snow.”
I only like the snow while inside, remember? So, this question is not always a welcoming one for me.
Because, while I love snow, and I think it is beautiful, walking in it. Having it fall into my collar, and wet my neck. Packing on 20 layers of clothes, and 3 pairs of socks just to throw a few powdery and flimsy snowballs…not so much.
Plus, this one. This little one who so desperately wanted to play in it…can’t even walk in it!
But, I put on 20 layers of clothes, and OK…only 2 pairs of socks, and I went outside anyway.
At first I just watched. Watched as with trepidation my little “monster” climbed down the front stairs. While walking on ground that altered his already weakened sense of balance. Watching as he faced his fears. As he turned to reach for my hand. Asking me to face them with him..even if it meant I had to play in this mess after all.
“Let’s dig a maze.”
Say what? Now you want me to take a kid sized shovel and dig up the front yard?
“Hon, why are we building a maze?”
“So, I can walk in the snow!”
Walking alongside and constantly waiting for this one to grasp our hands for help has not always been comfortable. And, it has been anything but comfortable for this sweet boy. Whether it was walking on his knees because his little legs couldn’t make sense of the walking thing. Whether it took many years to navigate the stairs on the front porch, or a slide at the park. Or, whether, at the age of 6, he still has to be carried in the sand or snow because they are too much for his brain and legs to handle at the same time…it has never been comfortable.
Each time he has remained determined. And, has wanted one thing. A hand. Someone to walk with him. Someone to encourage him to find a way out, and to never give up.
Someone to help him dig a maze.
Life is kind of like that. Kind of like a maze. We walk along. We take a few too many wrong turns. We try over and over to get out on the right side. Sometimes we need help. And, sometimes we need someone to help us walk through all the twists and turns. All the ups and downs.
He has me.
But, sometimes, I need someone to get me through the maze, too.
Someone to take my hand, and walk alongside me until I get out on the right side. To encourage me to never give up.
He has me. But together, we have Him.
We have God for that.
He will get me through the twists and turns. When I don’t think I can handle the shaky ground beneath me. When my balance is off. When I just need someone to take my hand and help me dig a maze. He gently reaches in and guides me. When I, just like my little boy, can’t walk the path alone.
He has me.
But, together we have Him.
Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go,” whether to the right or to the left. Isaiah 30:21
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Try Something Different…Just Let It Go
Think about the things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Then the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8,9
It’s that time of year again. Lenten season. The time of year when for the 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday we focus on the meaning of Easter. That focus is not on the Cadbury Eggs that fill the aisles of the local drugstores, or the Easter egg hunts that are already being planned. Rather, it is on the one who promised us new life by shedding His blood.
For many it also means giving up present day luxuries to slow down and spend time preparing and celebrating this gift He has given.
God amazes me over and over, and the season of Lent is no exception. He also seems to find funny ways of teaching me to slow down. So, just as the season of Lent begins, He sends the snowstorm I had been seeking. One that forced me to finally relax. To slow down and think about His promises. In particular, the promise of peace.
See, I am not a peaceful person. In fact, I consider myself to be somewhat of a control freak. A little OCD. And, I can get agitated…easily. Easily frustrated. I worry too much about the opinions of others, and I let it bother me. Until this agitation, frustration, and resentment starts to overwhelm my soul. Starts to steal my peace.
Until I take it out on the ones who mean the most to me.
Until I find myself in the midst of an impending snowstorm pleading for peace. Because, I am aware that my control freak tendencies, my impatience, my frustrations will implode when stuck in the house with three bored and overactive kids.
And, because He knows just how much I adore these three. How much I yearn to be more patient. How much I desire to be a beacon of peace in this place, He did what He promised. He gave me peace this week. Peace so comforting that in some moments I didn’t even recognize the woman who was at home with her “monsters.” I didn’t recognize the woman who let the dishes sit. Who didn’t care about the snow boots strewn across the living room floor. The goldfish on the couch. The screams. The bickering. The two and a half hours playing in snow I don’t much enjoy.
Right in the middle of a week that began the season of Lent. A season when we start to contemplate the things we want to give up to draw closer to God.
Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. Hebrews 12:1
While I have picked to give up that thing, or things rather, that trip me up, I see now that He is really asking me to let go of some other things as well.
Let it go.
Of the need to please people. To make them like me. To worry about or beat myself up over worldly opinions.
Let it go.
Of the dishes in the sink. The clothes on the floor. The shoes and backpacks on the couch. The need to have everything neat, in its place, and put away.
Let it go.
Of the “busy-ness” that consumes my life. The need to go, go, go…and do, do, do. All. The. Time.
Let it go.
Of the need to say “yes,” when all I really want to say is “no.”
Let it go.
Of the housework. Of the homework. Of the demands of work that keep me from enjoying those at home.
Let it go.
Of my guilt. Of my shame. Of my past. My insecurities. My fears.
Let it go.
Of all that causes this heart frustration and agitation.
Let it go.
Of toxic relationships. One-sided relationships. Those that only tear me apart or beat me down.
Let it go.
Of the need to do for everyone but me. To take care of everyone. To fix all the problems of the world.
Let it go.
Of perfection. Because I am a mess. I stumble. I fall. I fail. But, God loves this mess, and he does not demand I be perfect.
So, let it go.
Because, in the end, when I let go of all the things which in the grand scheme do not in any way define me, are not a part of His plan, and only cause me frustration and agitation, I gain so much more.
I gain peace. A peace that the world cannot give (John 14:27).
So, what do you need to let go of today?
Seek God. Ask Him for his peace. His promises, and just let the rest go.
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Weary, Worn, and In Need of Peace? Ask…
The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. Psalm 121:7
“Ms. January is base. Now you can’t get me!”
Each week prior to our Wednesday night lesson at church, our children have a time of play. Their favorite game it seems week in and week out is a good, old-fashioned game of tag, and each week I am named the “base.” The place children run when they want to be safe. To escape from the things that pursue them. Try to get them. Make them run away, scared.
“Ms. January is base. Now you can’t get me!”
Base. Defined as the part on which something rests or is supported. Also, a structure on which something depends.
“Ms. January is base.” Really??
While these kids may run to me to keep them safe for a minute or two. While others in my line of work depend on me for support and direction, on most days, I feel more like those wimpy, snow-covered branches, than anyone’s base. Anyone’s safe place.
Weighed down by the demands of parenting. By children who do not always listen, or even respect the one who takes care of the home. Weighed down. Wimpy. From the demands of looking out for the needs of others. Tired. Weary. Feeling more like a doormat than any darn safe place.
And on some days, I would like to find my own “base.” A place to run from the daily pressures. From the things, people, and demands that chase me down.
When I don’t want to support anyone, or have anyone depend on me. When all I want is peace. A little time to rest on someone or something else for a change. A break form everything that has weighed these wimpy branches down.
While running away sounds nice, God has something else in mind.
God is base. Now no one can get me!
He wants to be my safe place. My support. On whom I depend.
My base when I can’t strike a balance between discipline and letting kids just be kids.
A safe place to run when the first thing I want to do is slam the front door and disappear for days. Where no one needs my help. My support. My advice.
But, I don’t have to run to find his safety. I don’t have to hide or disappear to find his support. His help. His counsel. His advice. His peace.
All I have to do is ask.
“Come to me, all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
So, that is what I did. I went to Him and asked for peace. For Him to be my base, so no one could get me!
See, my untraditional work schedule. The time at night away from my family. Schoolwork into the wee hours of the morning. All of these had worn me down. All I wanted was a day of rest. No obligations. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Just peace.
So, I asked him for it. In the middle of a flurry filled morning that meant the next day my home would be full of anything but “quiet,” I asked for peace.
Maybe a snow day isn’t your idea of peace. Weighed down branches full of snow may not be ideal. And for me, they usually are not either. But, I claimed the peace I asked for the morning before. I claimed the patience I wanted him to give me with my children. And, sure…snow mazes, cookies, and snow cabins made from Lincoln Logs meant I had plenty to do, I enjoyed the time just being the support, the “base” that one little boy had missed, and needed on this day.
No bickering. No fighting. No need to apologize for my lack of patience. No need to run.
Just peace.
From the one who gives me a safe place to plant my feet each time I ask. Even if it is a snow-covered (now maze-covered) front yard.
About Me
I am January! Wife, mother, meemaw, pastor, and mental health provider who makes it through the day with my coffee, my journal, and my God. A simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic. All focused on Him.
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Grace 'n Grounds 