Encouragement grounded in Scripture
Rooted in truth. Anchored in Christ.
New reflections weekly.
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Be Yourself
My son has inherited the writing gene, and wrote an excellent post on being who you are in Him. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Being ourselves around other people is a very difficult thing to do. We feel we need to do things that wouldn’t offend anyone else, especially when in public.
Sometimes we make it a necessity to be a “people-pleaser”.
“I did some research,” as Clay says, and looked up the definition of a people-pleaser and came up with this:
“People pleasers let high expectations, resentment, and saying ‘yes’ when they mean ‘no’ run (and potentially ruin) their social lives. They are set on being perfect and nice.”
I was once a people pleaser until about 2 years ago when I decided I wasn’t going to care what people thought about what I did around them, especially when in public where obviously not everyone is a Christian.
Recently at the beach, which is really a lake a block from my house, I was writing “graffiti” in the sand, consisting of Bible verses…
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Don’t Dismiss Our Struggles
This post will be a little different then those prior to it. While I have spoken on several occasions how autism has affected our family, and written about our many struggles and triumphs, I have not always shared how the misunderstandings of others can often make us feel.
We have had many a success. Many a trial. Learned many a lesson. The overall incidences of autism are increasing, yet understanding and support is often still lacking. And, after 4 and a half years of jumping the hurdles of autism, it still surprises me that our struggles are often dismissed.
You probably don’t even realize you are doing it. I am sure you say these things in order to try to make us feel better. To bring a bit of “normal” into what often isn’t.
But, honestly….you unknowingly dismiss our struggles.
You dismiss them every time you say, “He doesn’t look like he has autism.” Well, that is good…..I guess. Maybe it is because autism doesn’t have a specific “look.” I don’t “look” like I struggle with arthritis, but I do. My daughter doesn’t “look” like she struggles with acid reflux, but she does. You don’t “look” like you have health concerns, but I bet you do. Just as I can’t look at you, or your children and see their struggles. Their feelings. Their hearts. You can’t look at a child and assume he doesn’t have autism. And, just as your child is different from your neighbor’s. Has different abilities. Different interests. Different habits. Every child with autism does, too. There is no “look.” There is no one way a child with autism should be. Because, he isn’t supposed to look like a kid with autism. He is supposed to look like the 6 year old little boy he is.
You dismiss our struggles when you say, “He doesn’t seem to have a problem with me. He always does so well with me.” I am glad he does, because this means we have taught him to respect his teachers and other adults. But when you say this, well…it dismisses our ability as parents. You also fail to recognize that the ability for him to hold it together in your space, in your classroom is the result of many therapy hours. Many trials and errors. Many attempts to control his environment at home. At church. At school. You dismiss the careful plans made to structure every activity, just so he will “always be good” for you.
You dismiss our struggles when you say, “It’s OK. Every kid/my kid does that, too.” Ok, so then you know what that ringing of the hands means right now, right? You know that in a few minutes he will be hitting himself in the face because that anxious ringing of the hands was not prevented, right? You know that he is now laying on the floor, kicking and screaming because the menu said hot dogs, and their must be hot dogs, right? You know what he means when he screams, right? You can tell me if they mean he is hungry. Mad. Sad. Thirsty. Lonely. And, you know they all sound the same, right? Good, because I can’t figure them out. But, I’ll overlook the fact that in your effort to normalize his behavior, you dismissed the fact that it is heartbreaking for us. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. It makes us feel like failures. So, no….he is not like your kid, too.
You dismiss us when you remind us how it “could be so much worse.” Yes, we know. We realize many can’t have kids. Some have lost kids. Some kids are sick. Some struggle a lot more than ours does. But, when you say this you dismiss our compassion. Our ability to be empathetic. Our faith and trust in God. We know we are blessed.
We also know that compassion, empathy, and worse situations aside, our struggles are still real. The tears that pour in the bathroom during a long screaming fit. They are real. The frustration when the words don’t come, and we are left again spending half the afternoon figuring out a number of grunts and groans. That is real. The exhaustion we feel after planning every detail of every event, of every day, and the meltdown occurs anyway. It is real. And, yes….it could be worse. But, this….this is still hard.
We appreciate it. We do. We know you don’t know what to say. That you are only trying to help in whatever way you feel you can. But, please….if you love us. Don’t say these things. Because you dismiss our struggles.
And, in doing so, you dismiss that little boy’s, too.
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Where Have You Been?
I have a bit of an addiction. I love thrift shopping. I have been known to plan shopping trips around the closest Goodwill (and Starbucks), and I frequent the one down the road from me quite a bit. It was on a rare occasion that I recently managed to drag my kids with me. Usually, what I hear as I scour the many hangers looking for someone’s cast-offs for a hidden treasure is groan after groan from the Marshall Monsters. But on this day, I heard squeals of delight as my daughter happened upon the above tent. For my little girl, it was a must-have. A place to hide from her brother. Camp out with a book. Hide her most precious of toys.
For me….well, it was a reminder of all the tents in which I have hidden in the last few months.
The tent of a demanding internship that had me consumed with work day and night.
The tent of schoolwork that had me plugged into my computer into the wee hours of the morning.
The tent of “busy-ness” that had me grasping for any ounce of alone time!
Tents of impatience. Tents of hurriedness. Tents of to-do lists. Appointments.
Tents of despair. Loneliness. Criticism. Self-doubt. Disappointments.
Tents that had me wondering-where in the world was I going? Where had I been?
Tents I tried to pitch all by myself. Without any help from Him. Placing Him at the bottom of the to-do list. Until He was wondering where I had been.
Yes, I was busy. I was overwhelmed. Depleted. Wordless. Exhausted. Lost.
Search for the Lord and for His strength; continually seek Him. 1 Chronicles 16:11
But, not once did I remember this? Did I call to Him in my weakness to ask for His strength? Did I call on Him for rest when I was tired and weary? Did I call on Him for wisdom when I needed His words?
No, I pitched my own tent. Like an 8 year old girl. Camped out with my will, while God desperately yearned for me to let Him in.
And, while it took a heart wrenching wake-up call, and some grief…I finally came out of hiding. I got out of my tent and I called on Him.
And, finally the words came again. The ones locked inside all those tents I pitched. The ones that had covered my weary heart. The ones I desperately needed to cry out to God. The ones for strength, guidance, wisdom, and grace.
So, what tents are you pitching today? Where have you been hiding? Come out. Call to Him. Tell Him what you need. He will give you the words. He will give you the strength you need. He will give you rest. All you have to do is ditch your tent.
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Enough
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
My name is January. I am an approval addict. I want to be liked. I want to be enough of everything to everyone. I struggle with the dangerous need to please. A need and a desire that saps my energy. That festers in my soul. That listens to the lies of the devil when I become the target of someone’s unkind words, hurtful whispers, or misguided actions. A dangerous need to be liked that causes me to constantly question if I am good enough.
My name is January. I have several other identities. I am broken. A sinner saved and redeemed by the grace of God. I am flawed. I can be a little too “tough.” And, I have a testimony courtesy of all the mistakes I have made, and all the wrong paths I have chosen. Of all the imperfections that have made me who I am.
Even with all this…he thinks I am enough.
But, even with this truth, I have resorted too freely to people-pleasing. I try to please the society that is too quick to label anyone that does not fit the norm. The one that labels “bad” kids, “deadbeat” dads, “unfit” mothers. If you don’t work society calls you “lazy.” If you are not the shining star in class, then you are labeled “stupid” or “unteachable.” If you do not do everything just like those before you, then you are “incompetent.” If you don’t meet the ideal of perfection, you are unworthy.
But, this is not the truth.
You are enough.
In a world that will label you too broken, too damaged, too sassy, too sweet, too goofy, too this, too that. God says otherwise.
He says you are enough.
When you have yelled at your kids one too many times. When you are too tired to help with the homework. When you could not find the right words to say to soothe a hurting child. God says you are just the mom they need.
You are enough.
When the comparison trap rears its ugly head again. When the world tells you that you don’t measure up to its standards. When the devil’s lies scream that you don’t have what it takes. God says “I have called you. I have chosen you. You have just what I need.”
You are enough.
When you leave work feeling completely useless. Thinking you are out of your league, or that you are not making a difference. Doing it all wrong. Know that God has equipped you with the skills you need. The endurance to persevere.
You are enough.
When the guilt and shame of your past sins slowly start creeping back in. Remember, God gave you a fresh start. He gave you grace. He poured out His love to prove you are enough.
When the demands of life just become too much. When your balance is off. When you can’t remember who you are. When you just want to give up. God reminds us He has enough of what we need to get through.
So, you…the one reading this. Right now. The one who has been labeled “bad,” a “deadbeat,” unfit, lazy, unworthy.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)
You are altogether flawless. (Song of Solomon 4:7)
Your weaknesses? Your failures? They will be used for good.
Because, you are important.
You are beautiful.
You are smart enough.
You are good enough.
You are strong enough.
You are worthy enough.
You are enough.
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Why I Am Struggling with That Bunny
“So, tell me the one reason we celebrate Easter.” This is the question that I asked my class during the service at church on a recent Sunday morning. As the eager hands began to raise, I couldn’t help but wonder what answers were going to spill out of their mouths.
“To have Easter egg hunts!”
Try again….
“So we can eat lots of chocolate!”
Yes, but…
“The Easter Bunny comes!”
Oh, here we go…
I never told my kids about the Easter Bunny. As a pastor I struggle with how that whole idea plays into the true story of Easter. But, before you start to believe this post is all about passing judgement on how one chooses to celebrate Easter, let me be the first to recognize that-yes, I know we all have different views on this thing that hops around to drop chocolate in little baskets. And, we all want our kids to “just be kids….” However, personally…for me-I want mine to forget the whole bunny shebang!
The world taught my kids about the Easter Bunny.
The same world that tries so hard to take the focus off the real reason for celebrating Easter.
Christ.
That’s right. It ain’t about pretty dresses, and a bunny!
It’s about Christ.
Which is why this year, I am really struggling with that bunny. The one my kids expect to visit. To drop chocolate in their neatly placed baskets.
And, as I sit among the carefully selected items to add to an Easter basket that will still hopefully keep the focus on Christ…well, I am still struggling with that bunny.
See, the world has told our kids that as long as they are “good,” that this bunny will hop around in the wee hours of Easter morning and leave cute gifts, yummy treats, and cool toys in their baskets.
As long as they are “good.”
Yet, we have the cross. The cross that reminds us that even when we are not “good,” when we have been bad, when we have sinned…we are still forgiven.
And, when we think about the person of Jesus. The mockery. The beatings. His death. His innocence weighed against my sins. How does the world’s view of Easter even compare?
So, can you see why I may be struggling with this bunny?
“He isn’t here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay.” Matthew 28:6
I want my kids to be filled with that type of excitement. That type of anticipation. To be excited about the empty tomb. The promise of a risen Savior. Not by the promise of candy that awaits in a plastic egg. Not with the promises that if they are good, their baskets will be filled with goodies galore, but that even if they are not, that the empty tomb promises forgiveness, and a life filled with much more than a hollow chocolate bunny.
Don’t worry. I don’t plan on crushing my childrens’ Easter bunny dreams. Not this year anyway. Nor, am I making the case for you to do the same. (Again…different strokes, folks). But, we will focus on the reason for Easter. Not on egg hunts looking for chocolate. Or the new shoes to match our pretty new clothes.
But, on the bloodstained garments of an innocent man. One, who died so we could live.
We won’t focus on who got what in their basket, or on the Easter Bunny.
But, on the cross.
On Christ.
On a risen Savior.
The reason we have new life.
About Me
I am January! Wife, mother, meemaw, pastor, and mental health provider who makes it through the day with my coffee, my journal, and my God. A simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic. All focused on Him.
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