Hello, I’m January
Inspiration and thoughts on God and faith, written by a simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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I am His
For we are God’s masterpiece…Ephesians 2:10
Once again…I have failed.
The dishes are unwashed in the sink. Nothing has been accomplished due to pain and sickness. The house is still a mess. There are still bits of the failed attempt at dinner on the floor.
After months of just trying to get through homework. Of leaving-yet again-an item needed at one of the kids schools at home. Of forgetting to sign permission slips. Study for tests. Losing study guides. Forgetting important events.
I’ve yelled too many times at the kids. Left one in tears. The other hiding under a blanket.
Apologized one too many times. Only to turn around and do it again.
And once again, a permission slip has been lost. Something else has been forgotten. Been let down.
I’ve failed. Again. The doubts and self-contempt start to seep through, and it happens. Those thoughts start to fill my head again.
Am I strong
Beautiful
Am I good enough
Do I belong
After all
That I’ve said and done
Is it real
When I feel
I don’t measure up
Am I lovedUnworthy. Imperfect. Unloved. A failure. As a mom. As a wife. In life. In everything. With my hands and my mouth I have managed to wreck everything in my path.
It is He who made us, and we are His. Psalm 100:3
But, that isn’t what he says I am.
I am His. Even in my failure. I am loved by the King. I am called His daughter. I am called beautiful. Good enough. Magnificent. All because I belong to Him.
He doesn’t see my failures. He doesn’t count each time I was angry. Each time I misplaced something. Each time I let my kids down. He doesn’t care about the dirty dishes. He doesn’t care about the piles of laundry. He doesn’t count the times I skipped making dinner.
He does know every hair on my head. He knows my heart. He created my innermost personality and thoughts. He crafted me into the woman I am. With His hands, He made me His masterpiece. He knows I am only strong with Him. He loves me, even when I don’t love myself. Even when I think I have failed.
He reminds me…
I am strong
Beautiful
I am good enough
I belong
After all
‘Cause of what You’ve done
This is real
What I feel
No one made it up
I am lovedI am His.
Not a failure. Not a screw-up. Not a bad mom.
Of this I am sure….I am His.
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My first line of defense-Him!
Before I speak a word, let me hear Your voice. And in the midst of pain, let me feel Your joy.
-Lauren Daigle, “First”
You are having one of those moments. Maybe one of those days. Everything has gone wrong. Every possible obstacle and frustration stands directly in your path.
There is that email from a co-worker that lacks grace, and leaves you seething.
Your kids have spilled something, knocked over the plant, and yelled at each other one too many times.
You have been stuck for days inside, and in need of some fresh air, only to find that your only means of escaping cabin fever now won’t start.
That person cut you off in traffic. You are in the express lane behind someone with WAY more than 20 items.
Your neighbor has called the police on your dog…..AGAIN!
You react. You respond to that email in anger. Snap at the kids in frustration. Throw those keys on the ground, and slam the car door. Maybe shout a few expletives at that aggressive driver. Roll your eyes in the checkout line. Call the police and give them a piece of your mind, too.
Kicking. Screaming. Stomping reactions. And, well deserved, right? I mean…look at all that chaos before you?
It’s what I do. When all those emotions snap at once, and leave me a confused mess, I react.
When criticized, I react with defensiveness.
When inconvenienced, I react with frustration.
When attacked, I put up my dukes and get ready to fight. With words. With accusations. With yelling. With impatience. With my human emotions blazing.
Until, it’s over…and I hold my head in shame.
Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Ephesians 6:13
When I should be waiting, looking, asking for Him to react. When I should be relying on Him to defeat the chaos. Instead my first line of defense is to handle the battle on my own…
My first line of defense against criticism, frustration, inconvenience, and anger should be Him. A prayer. A plea from the one who can handle it.
Stopping to ask for the right words to respond to someone’s verbal attacks.
Stopping to ask for wisdom and guidance in handling the ups and downs of motherhood.
Stopping to ask for peace when crazy sets in.
Stopping to ask for eyes to see beyond my emotions…to see the person behind the wheel, the mom who may be in a hurry in the grocery store, too.
Stopping to ask for grace to forgive that neighbor. That co-worker.
Stopping to seek him in the midst of each hard to handle moment. Each battle. Each encounter.
So that next time my reaction will not cause me to hang my head in shame. So that my reaction will reflect Him. His light. His grace.
I wanna find you, in every season, in every moment. Before I speak a word, I will bring my heart, and seek You first.
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Praise Him Anyway
I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak his praises. Psalm 34: 1
In my daily work, I often find myself moving from one crises to another. It is for this reason that I often have to forget or put aside my own crisis that may have occurred outside the school building. Those that may have occurred before I even left home. So I can help others cope with their own struggles.
However, sometimes these two worlds collide and you are dealt two crises in your hand of cards. Two that you must strategically play at the same time.
The phone rings in the middle of someone’s meltdown, and you find your own child or loved one is now in the middle of theirs. What do you do? How do you respond?
This actually occurred recently to my co-worker. And, as I watched her calmly sit down the receiver of the phone, slowly take a deep breath, and refocus on the task at hand, I wondered how she mustered the energy to deal with both.
Her answer? “I was just glad I was in the middle of this crisis, because I really just wanted to lay down and cry.”
Which left me wondering…Do I respond in this way? Do I look for what is good and positive in a given situation? Or do I scream, cry, and run for the hills?
These types of days are not uncommon. On most of them, as soon as I hit the ground running, I am then headed to another problem. As I sit down for lunch there may be something or someone I need to calm down or fix. In the midst of it all, I have my own problems in my life, my home, with my children.
It’s enough to make you come undone. To completely unravel. Just like everything and everyone around you. To lay on the floor and cry. To pick up that phone and throw it. To tell anyone who will listen just how crappy your day, your year, your life is.
And some days…I do unravel. I lay on the floor and cry. I throw things. I have a pity party.
But, then somewhere in the unraveling. In the midst of all those mixed up emotions. In the coming undone. Behind those tears is the strength needed to help someone else doing the same. The patience needed to calm down your own children. The perseverance to take a breath and move on.
Or the choice to look at all the great things in my life. All the blessings in this chaos that lies before me.
But as for me, I will sing about your power. Each morning I will sing with joy about your unfailing love. Psalm 59:16
Or we choose to praise Him. Like David. Who had a few troubles and unravellings of his own.
Remaining positive in the midst of our struggles doesn’t mean our problems don’t exist. It only means we are choosing not to let them define our moods. Not to let it separate us from His grace. From His strength.
From His blessings.
Like the morning cuddles from the child who spends the afternoon in tantrums.
Like the random compliment on a day when you have heard nothing but criticism.
Like the things you have been able to provide when the bills keep coming, and the money keeps going.
Like the new day that has dawned after a night spent depleted, discouraged, and lonely. A reminder that you are alive. A promise to start over.
Or the strength that comes from Him to slow down, take a breath, face the crisis in front of you, keep moving forward, and praise him anyway.
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Along for the Climb
Tears of joy will stream down their faces, and I will lead them home with great care. They will walk beside quiet streams, and on smooth paths where they will not stumble. Jeremiah 31:9
In recent years I have become to enjoy the challenge of a good hike. It has become an aspiration among friends to tackle some of the local trails, and a tradition for my husband and I as we travel.
Usually, the task can generate a number of different emotions as one navigates the climb. A number of obstacles also await at times. Some climbs are fairly easy-a nice, quiet stroll with nature, and an effortless path that allows enjoyment of all that surround us.
Some climbs are harder. Climbs that leave you huffing and puffing. In pain. Struggling just to make it to the end. There may be too many hills to climb. Sticks and rocks to climb over. Streams to leap over. And, you probably stumble and fall a time or two.
For the Lord your God has blessed you in everything you have done. He has watched your every step through this great wilderness. Deuteronomy 2:7
Until you reach the end, and see all that surrounds you. The beauty of the land He has created. It is then you realize that the challenging journey was worth it.
Life is a bit like a hiking trail, and God? He is along for the climb.
Some days are painless. They can be navigated with minimal effort, and there are no bumps along the way. It is on these days when finding moments of quiet is easy, and chaos is replaced with calm and peace. Every star is perfectly aligned. Every moment is relaxed and tranquil.
Other days? Other days take immense effort just to get through. Everywhere you turn there are jagged rocks, steep hills, and fallen trees. Obstacles keeping you from your destination. It is too tough. You want to give up. Crumble under the weight of each mountain. Avoid the challenge altogether. Hoping that it just disappears.
In each of these moments, easy or hard, something beautiful waits on the other side.
And, in each of these moments, He is with you. Walking the path alongside you. Making the climb easier to handle, since He carries you and endures each obstacle with you.
Just as you see God in the skies painted blue and the hills on the horizon, you can see him in the people you meet on your climb along the way. In the quiet mornings before the kids wake. In the chaotic moments when you have broken up another fight among siblings. In the people sent to encourage you. In those placed in your life to watch you stumble.
Just as you see God in the valleys, and the flowing streams, He can be seen in the dark moments in the middle of your uphill journey. In the tears that tumble in the dark of night. The ones that are a result of hurt, shame, guilt, or frustration.
And, He can be seen in the hope and promise that something waits on the other side of this mountain. Of this bump in the road. This obstacle that once again looms in your life. The one that seems too challenging to climb. The one in which it seems nothing worthy or beautiful can be found.
But, it’s there. Beauty. Peace. Waiting on the other side.
And, He is there. With you. For the challenging, daunting, and rewarding climb.
He leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshed my soul. He guides me along the right path. Psalm 23:2-3
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One Word: Surrender
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing. Isaiah 43:18-19
Oh, the promise of the New Year. A chance to make changes. Try something new. Correct all that was wrong with the past year. Time to make a list of new goals, most of which will be deserted by February.
It’s for this reason I began a couple years ago to chose just one word that would shape each new year. One word that God had laid on my heart to live out in my life. This past year, the word laid on my heart was perseverance. And, as begin to reflect on 2015, I have to ask myself if I really allowed this word to transform me? Did my actions and choices live up to its meaning?
Honestly, I didn’t embrace what it would mean in my life. Instead, I let illness and the dark days of winter sink me into a mild depression. I let criticism make me lose focus on my purpose, and instead fulfilled the purpose others had for me. I didn’t take care of myself, so consumed with taking care of the needs of others. I started things, and never finished them. I came close to giving in, and plain quitting, because it seemed easier than pushing through. I lost faith. I quit praying. I left too much undone, and too many words unsaid. I became a cynical, unloving, and angry woman. Taking every slight and hurt to heart, until I was a shell of the person I used to be.
And, as I sit here reflecting on that word-perseverance-I begin to wonder how I failed to allow it to transform me, and I realize I probably never had an idea what it meant in the midst of change and adversity. The word, perseverance, means much more than endurance, finishing, or not giving up. This is how it is usually defined, but most don’t know that it has another meaning as well: “grace to the end.”
His grace. His purpose. His leading in my life despite adversity. Living my full potential each and every day. Knowing He will sustain me and push me through to the end.
But, why was actually doing it-persevering-so difficult?
Because, I couldn’t let go. I held onto resentment, guilt, the past, my hurts, and my failures. I couldn’t persevere and keep running without letting go. Without complete surrender and release of all that held me back from my purpose.
So, this year…I will surrender. Let go. Endure life’s difficulties knowing I am His. Embrace who He has made me to be, despite popular opinion, or any uphill battle.
I will surrender to His will for my life, keeping in mind a few things I must let go of along the way. Making a few vows. Choosing not to settle for anything less than His purpose, and releasing anything that stands in the way. Despite difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
I will surrender the tendency to let the darkness of this world consume my mood and thoughts, but will be the light in that darkness. As well as one in my home. At work. In my community.
I will surrender the need for perfect children, and allow them to make and learn from their mistakes.
I surrender my need to please. I will embrace who God made me to be, not what others would like me to be.
I surrender the desire to run from the past in an attempt to forget it. Instead, I will give back to those who shaped it. Forgive those who maimed it. Teach others the lessons learned, and know that this past has made me who I am today.
I will surrender my fears. Those irrational ones that keep me from truly living. Face the unknown. Finally take steps to fulfill a dream.
I will dance in the rain.
I will intentionally put those “I’ll pray for you’s” into practice.
I will surrender the need to see life through the lens of my smart phone, and immerse myself in each and every glorious moment. Seeing life through my own eyes.
I’ll learn to love my own company. Call an old friend to catch up. Dress up- just because.
I surrender my insecurities, my fear of rejection, or of being misunderstood. I will say what needs to be said. Even if it hurts. Even if it is scary. Even if it is hard.
I will surrender my selfishness, hate, and regrets.
And, I will love-without abandon. Despite obstacles. Despite disagreements. Despite differences. Even if it is complicated. Even if it is messy.
I will surrender negativity, and anything or anyone that may creep in to cause me to lose my peace of mind, my faith, my sense of self. I will surround myself with positive people. Those who encourage me and push me to be better.
I will embrace distance that keeps those I hold dear far away. Knowing it is necessary for growth, opportunity, and change that won’t happen in the four walls called “home.”
I will surrender my fear of failure. I will try new things-not giving up when they don’t come easy.
I will surrender the belief that the world is full of evil, and choose to remember all that is good and true. Seeing this good in others, even when it seems hard to find. Even when I have been hurt. Even in the midst of tragedy.
This year, I will find the strength and peace to let go. To release all that holds me back from Him. To simply surrender.
The life you see me living is not “mine,” but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20, MSG
About Me
I am January! Wife, mother, meemaw, pastor, and mental health provider who makes it through the day with my coffee, my journal, and my God; and I am also on some days a hot mess. A simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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Grace 'n Grounds 