Hello, I’m January
Inspiration and thoughts on God and faith, written by a simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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More than a Dirty Sock
“Anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.” Matthew 18:5
“And, the first Camp Hall of Fame Award goes to Pastor January!”
I had survived my first church camp experience. I was also exhausted, was losing patience, and really wanted to get on the bus and head back home. Clearly, I could not be entered into any Hall of Fame.
“Pastor January, come accept your Dirty Sock Award.”
Sure, gladly! I’ll be honored. But wait a minute…you were not joking. Um, this really is a dirty sock!
But, is that all? Is it more than just a dirty sock?
This dirty sock could represent all the other dirty socks I picked up this week. Socks that were scattered in the rooms and halls. Socks that were worn by 13 7 to 9 year old girls. The ones left in bathrooms. The ones left by pools. This sock could represent all the dirty undergarments I picked up. The many trips back and forth for forgotten items, missing flip-flops, missing towels. It could represent all the “Oh no, I lost my water bottles.” The “Pastor January, I left my sunscreens.” The lack of sleep. The cold showers. The chaos that is kids camp.
And, well…it could just represent a dirty sock.
One that I realized was so important to me, that I went back to pull it from the trash.
This sock actually represents more than the sleepless nights, unfollowed directions, or misplaced water bottles. Instead, it will represent love, patience, and the joy of being completely intentional with my time.
This dirty sock represents the time I got to spend loving on kids that were not my own. Some I had never met before this week. Some I may never see again. Many who had never been to camp. Many more who had never spent more than a night away from home. This sock represents the fifth time I had to sing “Silent Night,” and “You Are My Sunshine.” The few nights I had to wake up to rub the head and back of a homesick child. The bloody noses I doctored. The tears I wiped away. The laps that held many kids that were bigger than me.
This sock represents loving the hurting, soothing the broken, and calming the scared. Putting my own needs aside just to be there for a child.
A sock that represents lessons on patience, and Lord, how I needed it. Patience when things didn’t go as planned. Patience to wait on a child for the tenth time, even when we are late…again! Patience when the same child has spilled her juice…again! Patience when 13 tired little girls get cranky, whiny, and mean.
This dirty sock represents putting down the phone and simply “being” for a while. It represents unplugging all my electronics, silencing my cell phone, and plugging in to being a kid again. Letting kids splash you at the pool even though you know your hair may turn green. Enlisting yourself as a partner in a water race, even though you don’t have a bathing suit on, simply so a child isn’t left out. Or paddling twenty times in circles around a small fishing lake in a paddle boat covered in blue dye with a child who wants to steer while you do all the paddling. It’s getting sprayed in the butt with a water bottle, being drenched with a bucket of ice cold water, and being completely OK with it. Because you know it makes these kids happy.
Because you know it makes God happy. Because you know that this “being,” the love, the patience shown to a child represents Him. The one who loves these children as you do.
It represents being there. With no agenda. With no inhibitions. Without checking phone messages, emails, or texts.
This sock represents the desire despite the sleepless nights, the cold showers, or spider bites, to do it all over again.
To wipe tears. To band-aid blisters. To walk back to the pool for the tenth time to locate a small pair of dirty socks.
It represents what I want to bring home to my own kids. The gift of love, patience, and time.
Without an agenda. Without inhibitions. Without the constant chime of a cell phone.
Getting dirty in the front yard. Wiping more tears. Getting sprayed in the butt with a water bottle. Taking time to be there. Present with them. Engaged with them. Focused on them. Loving them. All while I patiently pick their dirty socks up off the floor.
Loving every minute of it. Of these children, this time, and this gift God has given me.
Knowing that this gift is more than just a dirty sock.
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What if Love is the Purpose?
“The clearer we capture the vision of our new identity in Jesus Christ, the more we realize that our deepest needs for security, significance, and satisfaction are met in Him and not in people, possessions, or positions.” -Derwin Gray, Limitless Life
I have shared previously how I have struggled on several occasions with my purpose at work. While I know that I am called to a different mission at some point in time, I find it hard to wrap my mind around the purpose for this current mission. While I continue to “make tents” for a living, I struggle with my attitude, with my ability to give Him the glory for everything in a given day, and to sometimes even seek His guidance in the midst of my tent building. Instead, I have one thing on my mind…
“Do we think God has given us the jobs we have simply to make money, pay off debt, and buy more stuff?”
Honestly? Yes…
As I sat the other day sulking because I had been chewed up and spit out over something beyond my control? Yes, I am counting down the days until my next pay check. That reward that says this “tent building” means something. Some days my only mission is to get through 6 hours of work, so I can clock out, go home, and well…get a paycheck!
All while contemplating the purpose in it all. A purpose in what I do each day. A purpose to get me out of bed each morning. A purpose to get me through another day.
Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations. Jeremiah 1:5
Until I realize I already have one.
To be His child. To be His prophet. His Ambassador.
My purpose then is not in what I do, but how I do it.
Do I hide behind my office door hoping to cut myself off from the world? Do I sit and sulk because on any particular day I just don’t want to be in this particular place? Do I get instantly offended or angry over every little thing I consider to be a slight?
Or, do I show the love that God has shown me to others? To those at work? To those I meet in the hallways? Those that stop at my office door? Those that may be behind the computer screen of an angry email?
My purpose is to be loved by God and show this unconditional love, not only to myself, but to others.
“As ambassadors of Jesus, we see the entirety of our lives as His platform in which His kingdom is spread to every corner of the planet.”
As I thought all day about how to answer that one email, I remembered who I would be representing-Christ.
The one who endured far more condemnation and harsh words than could ever be spewed in a simple email.
Who loved me. Who died for me. Who calls me to be His Ambassador. Nothing more.
So today…in this place, my sole purpose was to simply be this: Love.
To send love and kindness across the lines of an email server to someone who needed it more than me.
And, that’s a reward no paycheck could ever replace.
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In Another’s Eyes We Are Beautiful
You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way. Song of Songs 4:7
Some days just start out bad, and yesterday just happened to be one of those days. Besides the fact that it was Monday, I was exhausted, I couldn’t do anything with my hair, and since it is summer, my kids can’t seem to get motivated to get out the door, making me late for work, AGAIN! I didn’t feel like putting much effort into anything else, so I reached for the first and easiest article to put on, a dress in my least favorite color-yellow! Bad hair day, cranky kids, even crankier Mommy, and yellow? Yep, today was going to be NO good!
But, then that same dress, in that color I hate became the subject of a random and unexpected compliment: “I just had to stop and tell you how fabulous you look in yellow!” What? You mean despite the fact that my hair is an unruly, curly mess? That I have under eye circles that would put a raccoon to shame, and I absolutely hate yellow? Someone still saw beyond all the other things I have criticized myself for this morning?
I was reminded of a Sunday School lesson I did several months ago. One that resulted in the portrait above, along with self-portraits of several very self-critical 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade boys and girls.
As I asked a group of 8 to 11 year olds how many had something about themselves that they didn’t like, I was amazed at how many hands were raised in response to the question. Nearly every hand shot up, along with a few comments about skinny knees, big noses, and crooked teeth.
“Do you realize all those things about yourself that you do no like, God loves? And, that he wants us to show how much we love Him, by loving how He has made us?”
And, so began a lesson on self-love for a group of 8 to 11 year olds. Which made me start wondering where exactly our distorted view of beauty and self-worth comes from. Why would a young child be so quick to raise their hand to point out their flaws, and not what makes them wonderful? And, why do we, the adults, do the same?
We can start placing blame on media. On fashion magazines that continue to glorify pin thin (and airbrushed, mind you!) models. We can blame this on the 50 plus years that Barbie has been around, had babies, grown older, and still managed to stay unrealistically skinny. We can blame it on a history that has scorned and ridiculed people who dared to look different, or be different.
Or, we can recognize the problem that lays before us and teach each other how to love once again.
How to love God. How to love ourselves. How to love each other. Despite our differences. Despite our flaws. Despite our size. Despite our cellulite. Despite our unruly hair, raccoon eyes, skinny knees, big nose, and crooked teeth.
For we are God’s masterpiece. Ephesians 2:10
The truth about our image does not lie in the pages of fashion magazines or swimsuit catalogs. It doesn’t reveal itself in the Barbie aisle at Toys R Us.
It reveals itself in the Word of the One who created us. Who created us as His masterpieces.
“Now, write three things you like about yourself. Your classmates will then do the same with each portrait.”
Recognizing the good. Not the bad. Celebrating our strengths. Not our weaknesses. Building each other up in love. Not tearing down with self-hatred, and self-loathing.
“Ms. January. Someone wrote pretty and cute. I am not those things!”
“Sure you are, honey. Because, God made you that way. And someone else sees you in this way, too. In another’s eyes, you are pretty, cute, and beautiful!”
Just like I was yesterday morning in a Starbucks parking lot. Just as I am every morning in the eyes of God.
Just like you are.
A beautiful and wonderful masterpiece!
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Press On Through the Ride
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18
Roller coasters. I used to love them. The loopier and faster the better. There was nothing more exciting than the ride all night bracelets at the local carnival. Riding every spinning, dropping, and swinging contraption until the rides were shut down for the night. Nothing like standing in line on a dare to conquer fears on the scariest ride in the amusement park. Anticipating the thrill of what was to come.
Today, I don’t enjoy roller coasters. Yet, I still happen to ride them. These days the roller coasters I get on are of the emotional variety. Still with that same feeling in the pit of my stomach. Still going backwards, upside down, and spinning sideways.
I am a mess. I am a wrecking ball. I must confess that I still don’t get it all.
Yep. That’s me. A mess. A wrecking ball ruled by my emotions. The emotions that resemble a roller coaster ride in my head. And for the most part, I am able to get in line and ride, all while still smiling, and in anticipation of the moment when the ride will end. But, some days, painting on a smile is just too hard. My mood is dark. My emotions get the best of me, and I ride the roller coaster all the way to the bottom. Where I am a mess. Where I just want to cry. Where I find it hard to keep from screaming!
Crying for goodness knows what. And yes, screaming at God. For what he has done and hasn’t done. For not hearing me when I cry out for help. For not providing the answers when I desperately need them.
O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? Psalm 13:1-2
Well, looks like I am in good company. If the Psalms of David are any indication, then it’s likely he was riding the same roller coaster of emotions on which I find myself. Yet, he was a chosen king, a man who as a young boy defeated the largest and toughest giant, a fearless warrior, and an ancestor of Jesus. He was also a man who was hated, who was the object of fierce jealousy. Abandoned. Lonely. Jealous enough in his own spirit to commit murder. An adulterer. A mess.
And still called a man after God’s heart. Despite his tendency to scream at God. Despite his tendency to find himself trapped on a roller coaster of emotions, he pressed on. Because he knew that God could handle every single one of his emotions. Which means He can also handle mine.
Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice. Psalm 55:17
Yes, God can handle my roller coaster emotions. He can handle my tears. He can handle my screaming fits. He can handle my uncertainty.
He can provide the strength to press on. Press on when I ride the highs and lows of my feelings. Press on until I finally get off the ride, acknowledge my mess, admit I just don’t get it. He will give me strength to get off my knees, dry my tears, and turn my screams into praises.
He reached down from heaven and rescued me, he drew me out of deep waters. Psalm 18:16
Press on. When you want to cry. When you want to scream. When you just want to be alone. When you just don’t get it.
Press on. During the dark days. When the roller coaster takes a deep plunge. When you just don’t want to smile.
Press on. God can handle it. He will get you through the ride.
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Offering Cups of Grace
“But as Jesus saw her walking toward the well where He was waiting, He saw what others did not see; a future trophy of His grace.” Derwin Gray, Limitless Life
There is often a common stereotype the surrounds the term “Christian.” Words like “hypocrite” and “judgmental” come to mind as those that are often thrown around. The very words that do not at all describe Jesus, are used to describe a throng of people who are supposed to be loving, kind, and forgiving.
And the fault is all our own.
Because, sometimes when we become Christians, we also inherit the false sense of responsibility to judge the actions of others.
That’s just not our job.
But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you. God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. James 4:11-12
Yet, often when we become saved ourselves, we think others will be too, but only once we point out all their flaws. Once we dole out our “Christian” judgment. Once we complete what we think is our job.
“Do you and I give people cups of grace to drink, or cups of judgment and condemnation?”
What cups do we hand out? Do our conversations look anything like these?
“I can’t believe she wore that to church.” Because we think it is our job to judge the outward appearances of others.
“Oh my! Does she have any control over that child? Clearly all he needs is some discipline!” Because we think it’s our job to judge the skills of another mother.
“Did you see that picture on Facebook? I cannot believe he/she posted that!” Because it is our job, of course, to judge the actions of others.
“Why should a drug addict get out of prison early? They got what they deserved!” Because we think it is our job to judge the sins of others.
But, it’s not our job.
When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do the very same thing. Romans 2:1
And it means that I will be judged for all the times I have said something to condemn someone else (because, yes, I have said all of the things I mentioned above). I will be judged because I thought it was my job to condemn everyone who was not living the way “I” thought they should be.
It’s not my job.
No, my job is to give out cups of grace to everyone I meet. Just as Christ himself did. The Son of Man who never sinned. A man who could have easily judged and condemned the sin of others, but instead “humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.” (Phil 2:8)
My job as a Christian is to show the love of Jesus, without condemnation. My job as a Christian is to remember that I was once a sinner. Once foolish and disobedient. Once mislead. Once a slave to many lusts and desires.
I was once the one who wore that to church. I have been the mom with the screaming child. I have also partied, and committed acts of sin that I would never want on Facebook.
And, I was also just like the woman at the well. An outcast. A teenage mother out of wedlock. A divorced woman living with a man who was not my husband. A girl, and a woman in need of grace. Not judgment.
It’s no longer my job to condemn those sins, but to proclaim to everyone how God made me new. How I was saved from my bad choices, my deplorable behavior, and how much I am loved unconditionally despite the things I have done.
It’s not my job to judge.
It’s not my job to condemn.
It’s my job to be Jesus in the flesh. To reach out to all. To offer them cups of grace. To believers and non-believers alike. Sinners and the righteous. The lost, and the saved.
It’s not my job to judge. It’s my job to love.
About Me
I am January! Wife, mother, meemaw, pastor, and mental health provider who makes it through the day with my coffee, my journal, and my God; and I am also on some days a hot mess. A simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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Grace 'n Grounds 