Hello, I’m January
Inspiration and thoughts on God and faith, written by a simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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My True Freedom
For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17, NLT
I have a love and hate relationship with phone storage, especially when it comes to storing pictures. I have tried every automatic back-up service recommended as the greatest, and it never fails-I always end up with the dreaded “running out of storage message.” It makes me long for the days of point, shoot, develop, and scrapbook all your beloved memories.
The latest dreaded message came from my Google photos app. The app I had downloaded because I was tired of Apple asking me to pay for more photo storage. The app that was now also telling me I was running out of storage, because it was threatening to freeze my email accounts if I did not, well you know-pay for more.
Oh, how we become so chained to our phones, and our need to store those precious memories.
I spent several weeks going through about 4 years worth of pictures, and I noticed something I was also chained to. Not the storing of memories. I think those are OK, if they don’t distract us from simply living in the moment of making them. It was all the selfies I used to take. After noticing that in the last year and a half I had maybe taken 10, compared to the hundreds I had taken previously I began to wonder “why?” Why was I so enamored with posting so many pictures of myself. And if not of myself, of my accomplishments? Of every little thing I did to help or serve others?
I posted my first one yesterday, aside from maybe a profile picture, or a picture about my hair…in I don’t even know how long. In my curls, pearls, and classic “rocket pops.” I thought about freedom, and what we may think today this freedom means. Sure, it has a historical context; this is the reason we celebrate, and eat hot dogs, and shoot sparkly rockets into the sky; but really? Is there a deeper freedom we could celebrate today?
I know I can.
See those were not simply a bunch of pictures I was sorting through to delete, they were a testimony to a yoke of slavery by which I was bound. The yoke of approval and validation. I was chained to a desire and a need to be approved, liked, and appreciated by the world.
Through each post I sought confirmation that I was seen. That I was valued. Each time I shared some accomplishment, I recieved confirmation that I was doing well. Praise. Approval. Each time I shared my comings, goings, work, service-I was being validated with each like and comment. My ego got a boost, and I received confirmation that I was doing something right. That I WAS right. That I was worthy. Special. Important.
Because, here is the truth. I was also bound by the lies of Satan. A prisoner to the horrible thoughts he screamed at me. And the approval of the world, told me something different.
The devil whispered little lies
He tried to steal my victory
But I stared those demons in the eyes
‘Cause these boots gonna crush the enemy. (Zach Williams, “Freedom”)Until, I began to focus again on the truth. Not what the world thought. Not what Satan said. The truth in His Word. What God said about me. How He approved me. He valued me. He made me special and important, and most of all loved me. And I was set free from the chains of seeking validation from anything outside of Him. Until compliments became something that were nice to receive every now and then, but not sought; because I KNEW my Father was pleased with me. I no longer needed anyone to “please” me with words, praise, or Facebook likes. I was no longer bound by that yoke. I am a prisoner, set free.
And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32, NLT
And you can be, too. Maybe for you, those pictures are not what they were to me. Maybe every post, every like, every comment does not give you the attention and value you seek. Maybe that is not your “yoke.” Maybe you are bound to something else that has stolen your freedom. Today could be the day you celebrate true independence. Today could be the day you are finally a prisoner set free. He is waiting for you to drop the chains, and simply ask for it-your freedom, that is.
I do not own rights to video, lyrics, or music.
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Fit to Serve Him
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6
“You have been deemed fit.” Those two words-“deemed fit.” They had me sitting in my chair, fighting back choking sobs. For you to understand why, you would have to understand how many times, and for how many years I had felt “unfit.”
It started long ago, really. Society has placed so many rules on how people should look, act, dress, what jobs a person should have-especially if you look a certain way. Especially if you are a woman. If you do happen to secure a new job, there are expectations others have of you, likely based on who your predecessor was. And if you don’t meet these expectations, then you are not worthy. You even get a job description, and sometimes demands are placed on you and listed under that “other duties as assigned” listing that are not quite right, fair, or just. It seems we are always being measured. Sized up. Determined if we are “deemed fit” for whatever starring role we are at any given moment.
The expectations we have of our leaders who preach the word are just as hard to live up to at times. And I have felt the pressure of feeling unfit, unworthy, and useless underneath these unneccessary weights. The pressures placed on me by manmade expectations. How I wore my hair. Whether short or with color. My piercings. My tattoos. My voice. My dress. The programs I decided to run. If I moved too fast towards a vision, or too slow. Nothing ever seemed good enough. But I moved to please people anyway, until I lost someone important.
Me. I lost me. The me whom God created, because with all the people-pleasing I had no idea who she even was.
When God calls us to ministry, He calls us with the unique talents He has equipped us with, and if we let it, the world can highjack these gifts, and tell us we need to be, do, and use something totally different. And that is what I did.
I spent years doing what others wanted because it was always done before, and it would make others happy. I lost confidence, passion, vision, and stayed silent in an effort-that’s right to please others and keep them happy. And I even questioned if God got it right after all, and contemplated quitting.
But I didn’t quit.
It took almost 8 years, and a year in which I was actually not deemed fit, and had to be mentored for a year. A year in which I dug deep, and searched internally, and asked God to “search me and know my heart” and reveal anything that needed to be corrected (Psalm 139:23). Long, painful processes in which I felt unworthy to get to the culimination of being ordained in the Church of the Nazarene as an Elder this weekend.
I was asked several times this weekend what it felt like to get to this point. To stand up front. To be prayed for. To receive the ordination certificate. Recieive this prize.
“Like your wedding day?” No. Not quite. I also performed a wedding this weekend. And no, I remember mine as well, and I wouldn’t put them in the same category. You plan differently. You choose who is there. The moments, months, days before are (usually) filled with joy.
“Like a graudation?” No. I mean, maybe for me. I was the first to graduate from a 4 year school in my family. Definitely to get a masters. So yes, triumphant. And, going to school with 3 kids and a job was hard. But…still not the same battle this was. I never contemplated quitting.
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing. 2 Timonthy 4:7-8, NLT
I turned to my husband right before we walked to be prayed over and I told him: “I know what it feels like. It feels like the scene in Rocky. When he defeats…Creed?” He quickly corrected me…”The Russian, Drago. This is like Drago. Good versus Evil.”
Yes, and instead of receiving a heavyweight belt. I received a crown of righteousness. Because as the General Superintendent laid his hands on my head and prayed, that is what it felt like. Like I was being crowned.
I had fought a fight, because the enemy wanted my doubts about my calling to overtake my soul. He would have been tickled pink if I had quit. But I didn’t. I kept the faith, and remembered what the Word had taught me, and I remained faithful to Him. To the gifts and talents He had given me, and the mission He had called me to, and the prize awaited me.
Have I arrived? No! But, I am a living, breathing testimony that if God can do this for me-He can do this for so many like me. I am privileged and honored to be called by Him to be his hands and feet.
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Will He Be Enough?
It had finally gotten me. The virus that had arrived like the relative that asks to stay for a month or two, and ends up taking up residence for two years instead. And I had been fortunate. Even with home visits, and my time spent in and out of multiple schools, I had scraped by untouched.
And I knew how fortunate I was to not have had the blows so many others did…but this morning? This morning I decided to have a pity party. It had been almost 2 weeks. I had been better. Now? I was feeling bad again. Up all night coughing. I hadn’t even done that the two days I had this stupid virus.
I felt helpless. I felt crummy. For over two years life had been a roller coaster of junk, blows, falls, and endless climbing. Many of these trials also meant I had to look hard. Stare long and hard at myself in the mirror. Realize some of my actions and choices even caused some of the junk. It wasn’t always someone else. It wasn’t even God. It was me.
But now life was looking up. There was light at the end of that long, dark tunnel. I actually liked the girl in the mirror. The girl in the mirror was finally lighter, freer, happy with who she had become, and not seeking approval. She was seeing beyond the brush in the forest, and now seeing fruit hanging from the branches.
And also having a pity party on the way to work because she couldn’t stop coughing. It seemed so silly when I heard these words:
Going through a storm but I won’t go down. I hear Your voice carried in the rhythm of the wind to call me out. You would cross an ocean so I wouldn’t drown. You’ve never been closer than You are right now. You are Jireh, You are enough. Jireh, You are enough. And I will be content in every circumstance. You are Jireh, You are enough–Elevation Worship
Maybe it wasn’t so silly. I knew what mere colds did to my body, in particular. Maybe not everyone else’s. I knew at times not to expect good, because disappointment lurked in the shadows. It was how my brain was wired. So when good came, suffering was inevitable.
But there was always something else there: God.
Would I be content? Even if…if every supposed “good thing” were taken, would He still be enough? Or would I throw a pity party because it didn’t turn out like I expected?
I have thrown many a pity party. I have lamented, cried out, and grumbled when things did not go as planned. Had little faith in the One who knows much more than I do. And while suffering still endured, because well, life…there was still joy. I still made it out OK. I still made it through. In every circumstance.
So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 Peter 1:6-7, NLT
Truly glad. In every storm. Every trial. Every circumstance. Even the silly ones. Knowing He is there when you feel alone, and is comforting you during your pity party. He has provided before, and will do it again.
He is enough.
I do not own rights to music, lyrics or video.
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Get Focused on the New
This means that the anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The old life is gone, a new life has begun! 2 Corinthians 5:17
The mere fact that I began writing this today, and failed to notice I am repeating a daily verse, is most likely evidence that I have been distracted. Distracted by a number of issues. Tasks. Pressing matters. Some of these tasks have been good things. Even “God” things. Some due to illness. Some of these are courtesy of the tools the devil uses to keep us focused on him instead of God.
Whether good, God, or other-they are distractions, nonetheless. When the old habit of picking up your phone first thing in the morning overpowers picking up your Bible. When the work deadlines become greater, and the finish line to get there takes precedence over your usual study routine. Your old patterns of sleeping an hour later instead of getting up to pray with Him get in. And then some of those other old patterns creep back in-some you gave up when you put on your new Christ nature.
You are now distracted.
Though, yes, Satan most definitely uses temptation. The sin kind. The obvious one to keep us distracted from seeking time with God, he can also use less obvious tools, as well. Some may even come in the form of “good” things. Things that can be useful in the kingdom, but if we do them in the spirit of our old selves, the selves from which God redeemed us-then these things are no longer “good.”
For us anyway.
They are now distractions. From OUR greater purpose. They may be good for someone else. They may have been good at another time. But for who we are now-not so much.
Writing is this “good” thing for me. Yet, why had it become my distraction?
See…this new thing God had done in me? It had inspired a desire to tell others about this new thing. To write all these thoughts I had about Him as I spent time with Him. And to not keep those to myself. It bred in me a desire to stop being liked by the world, and to embrace the person God liked. Loved, even. Writing sparked joy. It lived inside me, and I loved this person who God had created, and it took a long time to get there. A long time to make sense of who she was, and how He was using her.
But distraction made this “new” thing “old” again. Something to check off a list. How I deemed myself worthy. Someone to be approved and liked by the masses. Decided I had anything of worth to say based on whether anyone read it, viewed it, or liked it.
Distracted.
It is time to remember who God made “new.” It is time to focus on the woman God turned me into when He made me that way. Not distracted by a duty to read His Word, but captured by the pure desire to learn more about Him, to spend time with Him, to listen for Him, and to write about those experiences because it brings me joy. And in doing so, I am no longer distracted. In fact, I in turn irritate Satan.
It is time to focus on this joy so I can be fueled again by His purpose, not by the old desire to be approved by people, but only by the One who has given me a desire to do something with the gifts He has given me. Those things I can only do when I am focused on Him, and less distracted.
So…for a time, I am writing solely for me (well, for Him). Solely in my quiet time, without screens. No laptop. No agenda. No laid-out plan. No checklist. Letting Him lead. Letting Him guide. Sharing as He directs.
Undistracted. Completely focused on Him.
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Redeemed from the Past
This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 2 Corinthians 5:17
The past. There are times we look back on the past with nothing but nostalgic feelings of good times. We look through scrapbooks of pictures that show happy faces, memories of places we have been, things we have seen. These memories stir up joy, happiness, and even longing for the times where things seemed easier.
The past. Some are still stuck in it. And not the happier moments. Stuck in the pain of past hurts. Past choices. The person we were before. Some may even be people who won’t allow us to let go of these choices. Friends. Relatives. People with whom we work, and navigate through life daily. Not willing to let go of a person we may no longer be.
You know who else won’t let go of the past? Satan. He knows your triggers. He knows your past sin. And just as some people can’t help but remind us-he can’t either.
There are some mistakes we have made. Some jumps we have taken. Some falls. That we don’t want people to know about. And if they do know about them, we don’t want them to be brought up again. Because they aren’t cool scars. They aren’t the kind that make you feel tough. They are the kind that only remind you of a past you thought you escaped. That everyone had forgotten.
Until something reminds you again.
And I found myself here in the last two weeks. Triggered by so many things from my past. And it was stupid, little stuff. But it was enough to nag at me, until I started focusing on the scars that the past left behind. My sin scars. Not my grace scars.
So, first-maybe you are wondering what are grace scars?
Those grace scars. They are the nail-pierced hands of Jesus. They are the scars that bore the sin we try so hard to hide. Others try so hard to remember, and can’t seem to forget. Those are grace scars. And when the past kept coming back to me, I kept forgetting this grace that was given to me because of those scars that Jesus carries.
Because see, this new scar I now have, I don’t like it. Satan uses it to beat me down and make me believe that I am no longer who God believes me to be.
It is on my right wrist. It’s courtesy of surgery I had to have after I broke my wrist from a fall back in October of 2020. I don’t really like to talk about it much. Falls happen. I have fallen before, never broken a bone. But, 2020…right?
But this fall was also different. A bit harder. It happened during a time when I was really doubting God’s purpose in anything going on in my life. The people in it. The things going on. Nothing was adding up or making sense. I spent more time screaming angry prayers at Him, and asking Him why, and didn’t like any of His answers. Nor did I like any of the waiting. So…I did things my way, and ultimately got in the way. I tried to play God. I forgot who I was. And, well….I guess God knocked me down, so to speak.
So I don’t like this scar. It’s angry looking. And when I look at the jagged “S,” that now lives there, I don’t hear the voice of God. I hear a different one. The one that reminds me of my past sin scars, and not my grace one. That tells me this jagged “S” is for words like “shameful.” “Sinner.” “Stupid.” “Silly.” “Soiled.” Some I don’t care to even mention, just want to forget. It’s like I’ve been branded with a scarlet letter of anything Satan wants to use to help me doubt my salvation or self-worth.
Of course that is what Satan wants me to believe. But His word says in Micah 7:18-19:
You will not stay angry with your people forever,
because you delight in showing unfailing love.
Once again you will have compassion on us.
You will trample our sins under your feet
and throw them into the depths of the ocean!Which means-He gave us Jesus. To pay for those sins. To cover all those scars. So God has forgotten. Those mistakes. All of them, were buried somewhere in the sea. We ask for forgiveness, and repent. He forgets. The only one remembering any of it is Satan, and maybe a couple earthly people.
And when we profress our belief, we hear new words.
Words like:
Saved.
Set apart.
Seen.
Secure.
Smart.
Strong.
Redeemed.
To others, your scars may be a reminder of your checkered past, but to God they are the a reason He extends to us His grace and mercy. We have the choice to receive it. Are we going to walk in His grace, as one redeemed, or keep letting others remind us of those things He has forgotten?
Me? I choose grace. I choose mercy. I choose to believe the things God tells me that have nothing to do with my past.
I do not own rights to music, lyrics, or video.
About Me
I am January! Wife, mother, meemaw, pastor, and mental health provider who makes it through the day with my coffee, my journal, and my God; and I am also on some days a hot mess. A simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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Grace N Grounds 