Hello, I’m January
Inspiration and thoughts on God and faith, written by a simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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The Battle: Part 1
Tossing. Turning. Up. Down.
This was the position of my body through the night, but also my head. Awake for 3 hours while the devil wreaked havoc on my brain. For 3 solid hours he attacked my purpose. My integrity. All my regrets. He tapped into all the things that made me feel inadequate, useless, and less than.
“Nothing special. Worthless. Stupid. A fraud. Not worth listening to. Voiceless.”
For 3 solid hours.
Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8
Spiritual warfare is real. Wrestling matches with the devil are inevitable when you are one who walks with God, especially when you believe you heard Him, but for whatever reason He has now become silent.
I was in the place where God’s call on my life had been the loudest. I knew for certain what He wanted me to do. And then He didn’t open the doors to make it happen. He placed roadblock after roadblock in my way instead.
So, it’s certainly no coincidence (because I don’t believe in them) that on the first night in this very same place, the devil used this to attempt to devour me. He used the fact that I had not done what I thought God had called me to do to wage an all out assault on my body, mind, and spirit.
Guilt. Shame. Regret. Recounting and bringing up every wrong turn taken. Every chapter still unwritten. All the purpose still not seen. Until I started to believe the lies. “You are nothing special. You won’t do anything that matters. Even God left you. Even He isn’t listening.”
The devil started the battle and I let him beat me almost senseless for 3 solid hours. Until I finally said: “No more.”
I went to war.
In a cabin room, in the middle of nowhere, I turned on my lamp, pulled out my pen and Bible and disputed the devil. Silenced his voice with God’s Word.
Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:10,17
My weapons told me and Satan that I was not inadequate, but that God would fill my inadequacies with His strength (2 Corinthians 12:10).
That I wasn’t worthless, because He counted me more special and worthy than even the birds he had given flight (Matthew 10:31).
And though I may not be doing what He originally called me to do, when He spoke to me in this place, He was most certainly with me, and was calling me to greater, simply through my obedience (Romans 8:28).
The devil may have started the battle, but my God…He will always win the war.
Note: I would like to think Satan stopped toying with me after this night, but not so. Come back for Part 2 of this story tomorrow!
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Hold on and keep me safe
“I lost my safe. And then I did what you call a spiral. I spiraled.”
These were the words I heard in that moment. When talking about loss and fear. And I felt that. Every bit of what was said.
Let me explain…
Prior to the isolation and anxiety that came with COVID, life was virtually predictable. Get up. Go to work. No fears or worries of any impending disasters. Safety was a job. Safety was financial security. Safety was a routine. Safety was good health. Safety was comfort in the presence of people. Safety was conversation. Safety was a hug.
But then…”I lost my safe.” And I began to spiral, too.
Nothing and no one felt safe anymore. And old habits. Old beliefs. Old hang-ups. Old negative thoughts. Old traumas took safety’s place, and left an endless cycle of anxious spirals.
The safety of a job was replaced with a loss of purpose. The safety of good health was replaced by constant panic or worry of becoming unhealthy. The safety of people was replaced with isolation, and the realization that presence doesn’t mean connection. The safety of a hug was replaced with lack of touch and physical closeness. Comfort. Warmth.
But in those spirals, those cravings for safety once again; I realized safety and security were really none of these things. Even if I could no longer hold a job. Hold onto my previous routine. Hold onto my friends and loved ones.
There was still One holding me.
Hold on to me when it’s too dark to see You
When I am sure I have reached the end
Hold on to me when I forget I need You
When I let go, hold me again. -Lauren DaigleSafety cannot be found in the “arms” of the world and what it holds as secure. Those things can easily be taken away. Lost. People leave. Sometimes in your darkest moments. Some were never really safe to begin with.
But God.
God is our security. He is the one who provides when the job is lost. He secures our future. He holds us in his arms and gives us a big, safe hug.
He is what keeps us safe. Hold onto Him. A sure, constant, and present promise of safety.
In peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe. Psalm 4:8I do not own rights to these lyrics, music, or video.
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WWJD: Make time or excuses?
There is this quote I often see circulating around on the internet. It goes something like this-“People make time for what they consider a priority,” or something of that nature. In essence, this is what that means: We make a priority, give our time to, and seek out what is essentially important to us.
For some, our work becomes number one. For others, it may be a hobby. A relationship. A family member. A habit we can’t put down.
Others may make the comfort of people a priority, abandoning their work, hobbies, relationships, and other obligations to run and help at a moment’s notice. Feeling the sting when it is not reciprocated.
When we decide to set some things as a priority, or not sacrifice our time, we may say these things-“I couldn’t come because…” “I didn’t call because…” “I didn’t finish because…”
We all do this. Sometimes we are just pulled in many directions. Our time really is scarce. Other times we are making excuses. Sending the message, “This/That/You are not a priority to me.”
When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him, “Would you like to get well?” “I can’t, sir,” the sick man said, “for I have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up. Someone else always gets there ahead of me.” Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!” Instantly, the man was healed! He rolled up his sleeping mat and began walking! John 5:6-9, NLT
The man in this story was no different than we are at times. Did he want to get well? Make his healing a priority? Or was he making excuses to stay sick?
What about you? Do you want to get well?
Then it’s time to make the decision to get well. To stop making excuses. Excuses to skip church, or never go at all. Excuses not to pray. Not to read your Bible. Excuses to hold onto resentment, unforgiveness, and bitterness. Excuses not to find your source of peace. Real freedom. Real healing. Real love.
Do you truly want to get well?
The solution according to Jesus? “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!”
Put down your excuses. Pick up your mat. Finally choose Jesus. Choose to make Him a priority.
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Seeing “red”
“You better never wear that red suit again!” This is what my friend had told me after I came out of a meeting with my boss. A meeting in which I had been somewhat nasty. Probably insubordinate. Even uttered the words, “Well, just fire me then.” Apparently, I was out of character, because my friend attributed it to the red suit I was wearing.
The desire to speak up, demand something, or gain power summed up in one color?
Red has been defined in fashion circles as a “power” color. For those that study the meanings of colors, red is believed to symbolize motivation to change, and is said to “provide a sense of security and protection against fear and anxiety.”
Really? Just by seeing red?
Love. Safety. Protection. Motivation to change. Action. Courage. Familiarity.
The Bible is written at times in red. The words written as such to denote the spoken word of Jesus.
Lover. Protector. Motivator. A man of action. Courage. Familiarity.
Yes. There is power in the color red.
Then I read the red letters
And the ground began to shake
The prison walls started falling
And I became a free man that day. David Crowder, “Red Letters”Those red letters have the power to provide freedom.
Freedom from the worries of this life: “Don’t worry about such things. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs” (Luke 12:29-30)
Freedom from your hunger and thirst for earthly desires: “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.” (John 6:35)
Freedom from hatred: “This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you” (John 14:12).
Freedom from condemnation: “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you? “No, Lord,” she said. “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” (John 8:10-12)
Freedom from abandonment: “No, I will not abandon you as orphans-I will come to you.” (John 14:18).
Freedom from your sin: “I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise” (Luke 23:43)
And countless others that are written in the color of power, security, and protection. All His promises and instructions for peace, love, security. Action. Freedom.
Those letters written in “red.”
I do not own the rights to this video, music, or lyrics.
About Me
I am January! Wife, mother, meemaw, pastor, and mental health provider who makes it through the day with my coffee, my journal, and my God; and I am also on some days a hot mess. A simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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