Hello, I’m January
Inspiration and thoughts on God and faith, written by a simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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Those who want the best
In a conversation while watching TV, my husband and I reflected over the death of the TV sitcom. Streaming has killed mainstream TV, and the idea of sitting down with kids to just watch a family TV show seems dead. Gone are the days of shows like Who’s the Boss, Family Matters, and Growing Pains.
Growing Pains…not just physical, but those emotional ills we go through when anything in life or relationships change. That’s what the show was all about.
It’s what life is all about. And throughout mine, I’ve had my fair share. Even well into my late 30’s and even as recently as a couple years ago. As just like the sitcom, Carol, Mike, and the others had the Seaver parents; and I had people who helped me, guided me, and truly wanted the best for me as I was growing through them.
One is a colleague I look up to. I admire her and her professionalism. In a conversation this week, we were discussing some of the challenges for the new school year with staff changes; one of them being the previous week’s meeting that I had been asked to lead. The one that had not gone as planned. I told her how a few years ago I probably would have left that room crying, and cried about it for days; but these days I no longer take things that are not about me personally. Her response was unexpected. One I was not needing to hear for validation (though in the same years I would have needed that, too), but confirming in a way.
“January, you are exactly right. You have grown so much. It’s been so awesome to watch you develop into such a great therapist, and a really strong leader.”
I was humbled. Coming from someone who five years ago, scared me to death…yes I was humbled.
And I said as much-that she used to scare me-because five years prior I had sat in her office as a resident in counseling with 2 years of overdue paperwork needing signatures. Having not attended any groups in the last three months, because I was meeting the requirements of everyone else around me, and not the path of the career I said I was passionate about. Her promise to never sign another overdue quarterly report after that date stuck with me, and I vowed to myself I would never turn in another one late. And I didn’t. I also never missed another group supervision. I made sure my placements knew those were monthly commitments I had to meet as part of my residency. She was right-I could have sat there and made excuses. I could have given up. But I didn’t. I owned it. Fixed it. And didn’t do it again.
Now…I’d like to say I never made another mistake I had to be held accountable for, but then I would also have to tell you I am superhuman, and I am not. I have had to own my junk. Fix it. And suffer some growing pains. And each time someone has been there who has truly wanted the best for me. Someone has had to show me the crack, the area needing growth, and push me to fix it.
And we hear that a lot: “I am telling you this because I want the best for you,” or “I wish you the best.” But does everyone? And how do you know the difference? Because there is a difference.
Here’s an illustration to help you:
After breakfast Jesus asked Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these? “Yes, Lord,” Peter replied, “you know I love you.” “Then feed my lambs,” Jesus told him. Jesus repeated the question: “Simon son of John, do you love me?” “Yes, Lord,” Peter said, “you know I love you.” “Then take care of my sheep,” Jesus said. A third time he asked him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Then feed my sheep. John 21:15-17
Jesus gave Peter instructions and asked Him to serve Him, as He had been instructed to do previously. If you love me, you will go on serving as you have before; but you will change your behavior.
Leaders, friends, loved ones who want the best for you-don’t hold your past missteps against you. Jesus didn’t do that to Peter. That colleague had not even remembered those reports-I had. She had just silently been watching me grow.
Those who want the best may have to call out a fault. A blemish. May have to ask you to correct a mistake, or an area of growth, but they do so in gentleness, in love, and with the understanding that you have the opportunity to make it right, and even get better. It’s not to hold these wrongs over your head for later. They don’t yell at you, or shame you. Or keep them in their back pockets as ammunition to keep you from moving forward later.
Those who want the best SEE the best. Potential. And not just the products of your mistakes. They can’t wait for you to bloom into what you will become. They even want to help you do it.
Now, those who really don’t want what is best for you…but maybe for them?
At first, they tell you the mistake is no big deal. You are forgiven. You have some time to make this right, and may even encourage you with a plan. But then it shifts.
They keep a record of your wrongs. Like receipts. Adding them up to list them each time you mess up. They remember that meeting 5 years ago, and won’t let you forget it. They even remember why you were there.
They see a crack. And instead of gently talking to you about it; they expose it. With maneuvering of others in front of you and your gifts, desires, talents. They may even poke at it to expose the weakness more.
Those who want what is best for them? They want competition. If you do happen to fix the crack? To move forward? Bloom? Grow? Despite the adversity? Don’t expect an ally. Expect the silent treatment. And an all out lack of support. These people may even just ghost you.
These are the people who would have never went to Peter and asked him to feed their sheep, but would instead be talking to the sheep about Peter. Or would have already replaced Peter with a new first mate.
You get it now?
Those who want the best for you, sometimes don’t get to have the best conversations; because they are the ones willing to have the tough ones.
The ones that may cause pain, but instill growth.
The ones that may hurt a bit, but are necessary for change.
The ones that reveal cracks, but are crucial for repair.
These are the best.
Don’t be afraid of those who challenge you. Because they are the ones who just may be conduits of your strongest growth. Those are the ones who want the best.
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A peace only One can give
“I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27
When you think of peace, of what do you think? Peace for many may be being at home alone with no kids, eating whatever you want with no interruptions, and no sibling rivalry. Peace could be a cup of coffee. A comfy blanket. A good book. When we think of peace we often think of calm. Relaxation. Quiet.
Perhaps to you peace is a place. A moment. Or even a person.
For many it’s often an escape they crave. Peace is how they tune out. Shut out. Numb all the thoughts and feelings about what is going on in the outside world. For a moment, anyway. Until even these practices-people, places, habits- can become destructive and lead us to anything but peace.
They become destructive because we seek what Jesus indicates we should be avoiding-the world’s version of what provides us peace, and it falls short every single time.
It could be these things, yes. But I think it is also so much more. Because there are spaces we can be in at any given moment that are not peaceful based on an average definition of peace. Our thoughts may be loud, and the spaces may not simply be quiet and calm around us. The circumstances we face may actually be full of chaos and turmoil, but we can still have peace and be facing really tough things.
Let’s look at the world. Jesus says he will provide a peace the world cannot give, yet that is often what we cling to-the peace we seek from the world. The kind we crave from the world’s approval. The applause we receive from accomplishments, fame, and likes. However, do something someone doesn’t like; and those things go away quickly. Because this world is also full of what we have now come to know as “cancel culture,” and if you don’t fit into what the world deems appropriate, well…you get canceled.
The kind of peace Jesus gives doesn’t cancel you. No, instead it’s the peace that is content in knowing that we all speak a certain way. Are interested in different things. Have different talents, passions and strengths. When we start to have peace with ourself and the way we have been molded and made by God, we walk different. We walk with our heads held high knowing that every experience, every thing that others may consider a personality flaw, every weird accent. It has a purpose. It is used by Him.
You no longer seek the applause of other people, or make decisions based on whether it makes someone happy. Peace allows you to boldly say and believe: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” You know that He will use all your traits for good! Even if now it doesn’t “look” so good.
Peace is simply this: even if.
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Even if this world is filled with trouble. Sickness. Despair. Worries and circumstances we don’t understand.
I don’t know the reason for a call from a bus that started like this: “I am heading to the ER.” I may never know the reason for an ER visit that resulted in a device just to keep my husband from going into cardiac arrest. Simply put-to keep him alive. I may never know the reason.
But I do know this…I was not without fear in those days. There were moments that I was definitely fearful of what could happen. The doctors were pretty specific and it was a little scary. I can’t say I was not fearful as I sat beside my husband on a Sunday morning in church as he shook in fear for His plan.
But God didn’t allow us to live there for long. We wrestled over the what if’s. Quietly talked to Him, went to sleep. In peace. Because at the end of the day, God knows the reasons for all He allows.
And He doesn’t leave us. He always gives us a message of peace, we just often have to shut off the noise to hear it.
Those distractions that rob us of peace. And it disconnects us from God. Whether it’s the endless scrolling we are doing to find that “calm,” or that approval we are seeking that we already know the world can’t provide. It’s robbing us of peace.
Peace.
It’s accepting the past and all its mistakes. Moving forward. Knowing they shaped you into the person you are today. It’s accepting yourself. Your flaws. Your challenges. All the things He is still working out, and walking with your head held high in the grace He has given. Even if others don’t like you.
Peace.
It’s knowing that life can be scary, and it is often filled with conflict. Once you get over one wave, another one crashes that you have to get over, but your Captain steers you back to shore.
Peace.
It is a reminder that He is here. Walking all the broken roads with us. Never leaving our side. And that even if the mountains fall…even still it is well.
All is well with peace.
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Stay strong and keep the faith
I’ve been waitin’ for breakthrough, I’ve been prayin’ for change; I know You’ll work it all for good but how long will it take? I’ve been asking for healing and I’m not gonna lie I’m ready for the miracle, God, let it be this time.
-Stay Strong, Danny Gokey
I was expecting it. The turn of events I had watched unfold for years. My hopeful soul always wished for a different outcome. Prayed for a miracle. A work of His Spirit. And yet, part of me expected hopes to be dashed.
Because, even though my prayers reached His ears, of that I am certain. They didn’t reach the soul for which I was praying. Change was not taking place. Actions were not moving in a positive, more forward direction.
Jaded, I guess I was. Praying, though I was…I was still expecting the outcome that came. Yet it didn’t make hearing it any easier. The realization of it any less painful to endure. The heartache less challenging to bear.
I hadn’t gotten my breakthrough. But I wasn’t going to lose faith in His miracles either.
In a conversation as I heard these words: “We will be dead before we ever see it,” I felt that pain. I even wondered if those words rang true, and later that day I heard the words in this song, that echoed that same feeling. But with far less hopelessness.
But if I never see the promise on this side of the grave, My hope might be shaken but my faith will never break; Because I know the day is coming when You’ll right all of the wrong. So I’ll praise You in the waiting and my faith will stay strong
There are many who have come before me that didn’t see their promise before the grave. I wasn’t the only one who held onto promises that were not ever seen in ones’ lifetime.
All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. Hebrews 11:13
Moses. God made a promise that the Israelites would get to the Promised Land. And they did…but Moses wasn’t there to see it. After 40 years of wandering in the desert, Moses died with the Promised Land just in sight, allowed to see it, but not to enter it (Deuteronomy 34:4).
David. He was promised that a temple would be built through him, but he had to give the blueprints of that temple to his son, Solomon. A temple he would never see built prior to his death (1 Chronicles 28).
And in the Old Testament, a Messiah is promised to redeem and save many times, and many died before this ever came to pass, but Jesus was sent as promised and became the Savior of the World, just as God said.
I don’t know what burdens God has given you to carry for others. I don’t know what prayers you pray for others for which you are desperately seeking breakthroughs. I do know faith is what allows us to continue to pray. To continue to cry out to Him, even when we don’t see change. Even when we don’t see a miracle. Even when we are afraid we won’t see the fruits of our laborious ramblings to God on this side of eternity. Faith is what gives us hope that He will make good on His promise in ways that we don’t understand, and we possibly may not ever see. That may not affect this generation, but perhaps one that reaches far beyond us.
Hopes may be dashed today. Your expectations may be more like disappointments, but His promises are bigger than any of those. Stay strong. Keep praying. Keep hoping. Keep the faith.
Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see. Hebrews 11:1
I do not own the rights to video, lyrics, or music.
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After the storm
Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5, NLT
I had started the morning kind of down, and my gratitude list looked like this:
Not the typical list of small, praise-worthy items I listed each morning during my moments of quiet and solitude. Just that first item to start.
It’s not that I wasn’t grateful. I had taken on too much. It’s one of those things I have been learning about myself-that I don’t say “no,” usually due to an effort to keep people in my good graces. Then after I say “yes,” I can find myself frazzled, overbooked, and overwhelmed. I am working on that. The saying “no” thing. Setting boundaries.
But because I hadn’t, and I was in this state of anxiety and unease, I was also consumed by thoughts. Some that were destructive and self-defeating in nature. Had me believing (inappropriately, of course) that beauty is an illusion.
That evening we took our Saturday trek out to dinner, and to grab a few items on the back to school list. On the ride I looked up. In the sky was a rainbow. Filling the entire sky. One in which all the colors shown brightly.
That morning, I could only think of one thing to list. One thing I forced myself to add…one thing the devil had used the previous week to beat me up with (“If you were doing so great, huh?? Your kids would be baptized”)…yes that’s what he does. He’s pretty awful.
And that evening I was given a much needed reminder that God was one who kept promises.
I didn’t snap a picture. I just watched the rainbow as we drove. Watched as the dark storm cloud tried to overtake its brightness, and the tail end of it become brighter. As the storm began anyway, and the rainbow faded, I was reminded of something a dear friend once said: “you are either going into a storm or coming out of one.”
And yes. We are. Whether we are willing to be honest or not.
Whether in our minds, or hearts. Whether we are battling voices of the world, or Satan
Whether the storms rage in our homes, at work, or in our bodies.
We are going to be going into one, at any given time.
And come out of it, too.
We went into two or three storms that night, and each time we were left with a beautiful rainbow.
I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. When I send clouds over the earth, the rainbow will appear in the clouds, and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures. Never again will the floodwaters destroy all life. Genesis 9:13-15
Each time the storm came and the clouds took away the beauty that had adorned the sky, the rain would subside, and another rainbow would appear. We drove further, and another shower would start, the rainbow would fade, and as we sat in the parking lot, eating our meal-we looked over after the last storm and noticed right next to us was the biggest one we had seen that night.
Photo creds goes to the 15 year old in the backseat Storms come and they go. They are a part of the life we will have here on earth, and some are scary; while some come and go as quickly as they began. Some bring few problems, while others bring many-destruction, chaos, and pain. But through every storm, even if you can’t see it, God is there. Helping you get through it, and waiting on the other side with joy and bright promises for your future. And equipping you to get ready for the next one. Because there will be another. But this time, we know what beauty waits for us after the storm.
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Can We Celebrate the Set Free?
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. 1 Corinthians 10:13, NLT
I have been decluttering our home little by little for a few months. Though no one else seems to be bothered by it, and the rare visitor we have doesn’t care…clutter causes panic in me. It causes my brain to feel overworked and less at ease, so I am trying to eliminate it in my “safe space.”
As I was going through the number of cups in our cabinets, I noticed the 3 wine glasses I had been holding onto. I gently removed them, and packed all them all in a box. Loaded them up to take to our local Goodwill, and thought back to a conversation I had a bit ago related to weddings and wineries. My choice to attend, but to leave when the wine started pouring. During this conversation, I was told this was “judgmental and unloving.” Say what? To attend the wedding, but not the reception?
Was I really being judgmental by making a choice to stay sober?
I have been vocal in the past about my journey to living a life without alcohol. In written words, of course. Words on a page, or on a screen feel safe when something like your “vice” are being bared to someone else. Unlike others I have been spared the “staring in your face judgment,” though I know the words spoken off-screen to others about this choice have not been filled with grace.
When I have spoken in person about my decision to remain sober. This chosen lifestyle and the choices I make because of it…grace isn’t something I have received, either.
My choices are a choice to preserve that life. Not judge another’s choice to partake. Yet it’s often seen as the latter.
You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything. 1 Corinthians 6:12, NLT
As I packed up those glasses, I also recalled providing my reasons…revealing wine was my “vice” of choice. I spent weekends away from my family at wine festivals, getting sloshed at all the tables, sometimes not remembering my actions or being appalled by them later. I would drink sometimes before my kids got home. My son at the time was hard to manage. Wine helped me manage his tantrums. Two or three glasses to “help me sleep.” Claiming it “calmed” me, or all those festivals were because I liked the “taste.” No…I was addicted to the substance that was allowing me to escape real life. A slave to the belief that it could make everything OK. The “Mommy-juice” that helped me cope.
Wine is a huge trigger. For me. Maybe not for anyone else, but for me-I can’t be around a bottle. And in my decluttering adventures, and on my path to who God has been revealing me to be-it was revealed that the glass is, too.
See, I filled them with tea. Or sparkling water. I was continuing to play the part of the past days when I drank a glass at dinner. Cleaned with glasses and glasses to rid my mind of anxious thoughts, and as I drank from one I longed for just one glass of the syrupy substance. Like the wine-filled bottles that were poured down the drain two years before…the glasses had to go, too.
It may not be your trigger, but it’s mine. You may be able to keep these glasses with no problem. The wine in your cupboard even. But not me. I had to make a choice to get rid of anything that could be used as a salve that could soothe. A salve that was not Jesus…ever again.
Is this judgmental? Or healthy?
And, I wonder…would you judge the woman who 2 years ago, was filled with confusion, doubt, a lack of faith, and riddled with anxiety and despair. The one who found herself falling down drunk in an out of town bar, broken bones and all. 6 years sober, and now not. All because she was triggered. Would you judge her choices harshly then? And knowing what she chooses now, would you continue to judge her choice to never get to that place again?
Or would you celebrate every step she makes to forward progress as she, or anyone who struggles daily with walking and living sober, so hope you will. As we so desperately need those around us to. Because what is good for you isn’t good for me, and that’s ok. I don’t need you to change what you do for me, or act differently around me, what I (we) really need is grace. Not judgment. I need understanding when I leave the party. I need understanding and support when I choose to grab water. I still want to be invited, but I need you to know I may not come. I need you to know I’m still fun, even better actually…because the alcohol doesn’t fuel my thoughts, behaviors and actions. I still need you to believe in me, not believe I think I’m better than you.
I need understanding when I come but then quietly depart your event. I love you. I want to celebrate you, but I love my sobriety even more. And I hope you celebrate with me the path I have chosen, along with so many who do daily.
Can you choose to celebrate those who make the daily choice to refrain? To remove triggers? Celebrate, even if missteps happen, without judgment, but with grace? We do need more of this-all around. In each and every one of our lives.
Really…it’s what helps keep moving any of us forward. It’s what helps us step out of our own judgement and into His grace. It’s what sets us free.
About Me
I am January! Wife, mother, meemaw, pastor, and mental health provider who makes it through the day with my coffee, my journal, and my God; and I am also on some days a hot mess. A simple human, navigating life through the messy and sometimes chaotic.
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